Do you want
to eat like a pro? I don't even know what that means, but it sounds pretty
gross. Regardless, there's a gas station
in Georgetown right off of I-5 in Seattle that has the world's best fried
chicken. If you don't believe me, ask Lacey Swain. Oprah
had Ezell's fried chicken flown to Chicago, but that place is (almost literally)
for the birds. Sheesh, even
the Seattle Weekly agrees.
To make the following recipe, Gas Station Fried Chicken Salad Forever™,
you'll need to go to the above Shell Station and pick up a
2-piece meal consisting of a breast, a leg, and a jojo. If you're really hungry
you can have a few bites from the breast on your
way home, because you're going to have a whole lotta chicken. Oh, they'll
probably ask you if you want spicy or regular chicken.
That's your choice, bub. As they don't say in New Hampshire, Live Free
or Diet.
Unfortunately,
after you buy the chicken, you have to put it in a refrigerator over night.
Unless you're okay with the
idea of warm chicken salad, but that sounds like a one way ticket to human
Infectious Coryza. Are you familiar with the
symptoms of that? Swollen heads, combs, and wattles; eyes swollen shut; sticky
discharge from nose and eyes; moist
area under wings. Whoa, that sounds like NO FUN. Humans can't even get that
illness, I'm just trying to give you a
stomach ache.
Here are the
ingredients you'll need. A sandwich roll is much better that sliced bread
for this occasion. I've switched
to Vegenaise from mayonnaise because it's just as good and totally less gnarly.
Also, your favorite mustard is
important. If you don't like mustard, don't add it. I'm not the boss of you.
Perhaps you want to add walnuts and
celery as well, maybe some raisins. Seriously, go to town. Also, get a bowl
and a fork. The knife is optional, for sure.
Have you made
food salad before? Seriously, you probably have. I don't even have to
tell you what to do. Just
yank all of the meat parts from the chicken bones and put them in the bowl.
Add the jojo as filler, like it's some
kind of foodsalad Levamisole.
Here's a pro tip: you probably don't even need fried chicken for this
meal. If you cover
anything with enough fake mayo and mustard, it will taste just fine. Maybe
only use half of the jojo, otherwise
you're just eating mashed potatoes with chicken bits in it.
GAH, IT'S A GUINEA
PIG! This pig is totally not intersted in your chicken salad, she just wants
to eat carrots + kibs
and wheat grass and hay + lettuce + sweet peppers.
Okay, at this
point your food mound is in the bowl. Spoon some "naise" and mustard
into the bowl. You can see here
that I've added a new mustard and some spices. Cooking is like that, just
throw a whole bunch of stuff in! Unless
you're baking some kind of cake, I wouldn't get too wild with those rules.
I went heavy on the mustards though, and
added some Safeway chili powder. Oh, there's also smoked paprika from Butterfly
Herbs in Missoula, Montana. If you
ever happen to find yourself in Missoula, stop in. They have super cheap saffron!
Your mound looks
something like this, prepare to mash it up. Don't add cheese to your
sandwich, you won't even taste
it and it will make you hella fat. Really, you just need to put some of this
stuff on the bread. Drink some water! It's
really good for you! If you need flavor in your water, add some lemon. Live
simply so that others may simply live to
cook you some more fried chicken. Don't fry chicken at home, it will coat
your kitchen in a layer of ooze. Plus, the
chicken + jojo from the gas station will run you $3.99, there's no way you're
going to replicate that in your own kitchen.
I thrashed
this chicken food mound wildly for a minute with a fork and it ended up
looking like this. There are
so many things going on in this bowl. Seriously, think about chicken skin.
It's so tasty but also totally icky.
Pork rinds too, you know? Like somebody just flavors some skin and then fries
it up. It's so good though, and
crispy and chewy. Now it's in this bowl with a bunch of other parts of the
chicken. I had two spoonfuls and I
was so happy. At this point it was 5pm and I hadn't eaten a thing all day.
I was about to eat so much food.
There's no need
to eat chips with this giant gas station fried chicken salad sandwich, they'll
just put the pounds on you.
I've garnished this plate with a banana. You'll notice too that the
plate is the USA version of Franciscan Desert Rose.
Eat your food! Drink some water! You're living kind of healthy now!
I like to do a bunch of jumping jacks after eating some-
thing like this, just to pretend that I'm doing something good for my health.
Thanks a lot for reading this, you're nice.
"That does
sound really good." - Keith Whiteman
"Taste of it." - Todd C. Curtis
"I would eat that." - Nikki Burch