RAP MASTER
MAURICE PRESENTS:
$17 VIGILANTE RAP PHONE CALLS
A friend
recently told me that his sister was being harrassed at work. As my
friend and I are traditionally non-violent types (except when we are
attacking snacks!) we decided that we would call up Maurice. "IT'S
$17 A CALL", Maurice yelled into the phone. "PAYPAL IT OVER
AND I'LL HIT THE DIGITS!"
BAD CUSTOMER
SERVICE?
TERRIBLE MEAL AT A RESTAURANT?
WAYWARD RELATIVE OWES YOU MONEY?
UNABLE TO BE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE?
MAURICE IS ON THE JOB!
For the
first time ever Rap Master Maurice is willing to VIGILANTE MIND BATTLE
RAP CALL anybody who has been wronged. Simply PayPal $17 and give
a brief explanation of the "trouble" and you're EVEN STEPHEN.
Do it now because soon it will cost $24 and you will say to yourself,
"I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT WHEN IT WAS $17".
BECOME
A FAN OF RAP MASTER MAURICE on Facebook! Or exercise free will
and don't. It's your life, champ.
HERE
ARE MORE RAPZ, THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM:
"Sublet
Your Ears"
"Bjerk"
"A
Lot Of Free Beer"
"Emotional
Tax Hike"
"Rappin'
Sly"
"Unlike
A Hanging Chad"
"You'll
Always Want To Do Somersaults"
"Abusing Fossil Fuels"
"A Degree In Jerk"
"Maurice
VS The Butcher"
"Hot
Peruvian Waiter"
"Build
A Time Machine"
"Try Nautilus"
"Goebbels Of The Head"
"Monsieur
Rogers & Le Neighborhood"
"Writer's Block"
"Muy
Bien Amigo"
"Faberge Egg"
"Tet Offensive"
(Full Version)
"A
Lot Of Nuts"
"High
Cut Shorts"
"More
Fabric Than Joann"
"Muscles
Are Sweet"
"PhD
In Wisdom"
"Break
On Through"
"A
Cake With A Hole"
"Before
You Further Decay"
"Don't
End Up Like Marilyn Monroe"
"More
Rumours Than Fleetwood Mac"
"Omnipresent
Health Decline"
"The
Insane Vote For McCain"
"A
Harbor Of Pearl"
"Rock
& Roll Disease Without Any Cure"
"You've
Probably Driven Through Kalamazoo"
"Charles
Manson's Real Target Was Terry Melcher"
"Like
Dabney Coleman In 9 To 5"
"My
Rap Instinct Is Basic"
"Taking
Pictures Of Coffee"
"Pictures
Of Dicks"
"Canine
Version Of Bernhard Goetz"
"Return
Your Sister's Calls"
"Jewel
Boxing"
"The
New Inconvenient Truth"
"I
Know At Least Three Got The HPV"
"Hair
On Your Body"
"Totally
Hussein"
"Spending
Time With Nao Season"
"Another
Generation Of Ding-Dongs"
"Your
New Favorite Band"
"Poll
The Kids At Your Middle School"
"As
Cutting Edge As A Phone Booth"
"If
Being A Slob Was A Crime, They'd Throw You Into The Clink"
"Put
Your Mom's Nissan Ultima Back In The Garage"
"More
Friends Than David Schwimmers"
"Discontinued
Like The McDLT"
"Juno
Ain't Groovy"
"Playing
Bingo With The Girls"
"Now
You Know About Me"
"Your
Bathroom's Like Nancy Reagan"
"Your
Bathroom's Like Nancy Reagan #2"
"You
Got A Heart Like Greenland"
"Flakier
Than A Head Of Dandruff"
"A
Whole Lotta Flakin' Goin' On"
"Embargoed
Like Fidel Castro"
"Flakier
Than A Baklava Buffet"
"Like
Patti Labelle, She Needs A New Attitude"
"More
Company Than Stephen Sondheim"
"Show
'Em Around"
"The
Only Sound You'll Be Hearing Is Broken Glass"
"You're
A Karma Chameleon"
"You're
A Karma Chameleon (Director's Cut)"
"A
PhD In Rapocology"
"Without
Decorum To The Nth Degree"
"You
Need A Calendar, I Suggest eBay"
"Like
A Whooping Cough On The Telephone"
"You
Should Do What You Want & They Should Mind Their Bees!"
"Honest
As George Ryan From Illinois"
"It
Will Take A Little While For Your Friendship To Grow"
"Out
Of This World Like The Space Shuttle Endeavour"
"Santa
Claus Won't Find Your House When The Sky Is So Grey"
"That
Tree's A Grenade"
"Your
Attitude Went Down Under Like The Men At Work"
"Magazines
Don't Come For Free"
"You're
Gonna Be Working At Arby's"
"Here's
A Special Delivery, Your Attitude Is A Mess"
"With
Chairs We All Can Sit Down With Stools It's Just Not Allowed"
"You
Act Just Like Julia Roberts In The Pelican Brief"
"They
Gotta Listen All Day To The Toilet Flush"
"It's
Like You Took A College Course & Now You're Fluent In It"
"If
Joy Was Like The Balkans You're Attila The Hun"
"Your
Customer Service Ain't No Service At All"
"Afraid
She's Gonna Make The Chicks Disappear"
"You
Can't Spend All Your Time In Albany"
"Use
Some Tort Law"
"It
Looks Like You're Living With A Tornado"
"If
You Were A Movie From '89 You'd Be Karate Kid 3"
"Keep
Pressing Those Buttons Into Infinity"
"More
Offensive Than Birth Of A Nation"
"The
Dudes That You Date Are Not State Of The Art"
"You
Probably Think Fine Dining Is The Chuck E. Cheese"
"It's
Not At All O-Tay"
"We're
Talking Like Gollum In Lord Of The Rings"
"Leaving
Your Sister In The Dust"
"Naked
& Messy"
"Call
Your Dear Old Dad"
"Friendship
Vacation"
"It
Takes A Lot Of Tact"
"The
World's Largest Living Chatty Cathy Doll"
"Dont
Be A Goof"
"You
Make Peanuts Selling Peanuts"
"If
Losing Was Food"
"Playing
With Your Wii"
"Try
A New Technique"
"Watching
Football"
"Donuts
With Proportional Glaze"
"I'll
Dress Up As You Next Halloween"
"You'd
Be A Minor Threat"
"That
Dog Should Go To The Pound"
A
Jerk In This Story
A
Pair Of Scissors At Eye Level
A
PhD In Cool Dude
A
PhD In Your Family
A
Really Swell Reunion
A
Service Improvement
A
Sweet Beard That You Should Never Shave
A
Turkey In Turkey
A
Wet Towel Tale
About
As Loving As Genghis Khan
Absolutely
Top Floor
Acting
Laissez-Faire
Acting
Michael Bay
All
That Miley Cyrus Can Drive A Man Insane
Alone
At Night
Always
Fixing Up Your Shitty GTI
An
Imposition Of The War Measures Act
Asian
Ira Glass
At
Home With Some Vaseline
Bailing
On Your Pal
Bankrupt
On Discretion
Bromancing
The Stone
Change
Your Name To Pierre
Check
Your Technique
Convincing
& Pushy
Creeping
Without A Doubt
Deal
With Your Problems Like Daniel-San
Don't Go Berserk
Don't
Act Like A Pawn Shop
Empty
Promises About Tasty Food
Engage
The Friends That You Came To Meet
Everyone
Said Amen
Exact
Opposite Of Glenn Beck
Flyer Grump
Fondness
Of Sheep
Food
Elite
Get
Yourself To Work
Getting
Stung By Bees
Give
The Milk To All Of Your Feral Cats
Glued
To The Screen Just Like Me
Grab
Onto Your Socks
Here
Comes The Plot
Hoping
Steve Can Buy Everyone Beers
I
Demand She Send It Back
If
Being Lame Was Food Youd Be A Buffet
If
Disappointment Was A Crime Then You Would Be Jailed
If
Friends Were Basic Instinct
If
Life Was Saved By The Bell
If
Your Love Was A Boat
In
A Hat Trick Handbasket
It's
Like She's A Palestinian And You're Ariel Sharon
It's
Not Cool To Punch Your Girlfriend
Jelly
In The Turkey
King
Of Flaking
Know
Your Limits
Life
Is As Short As Gary Coleman
Like
The Actor Jon Voight
Mad
As A Hatter
Made
Out Of Glue
Mens
& Womens Pants
Mind-Mapping
Makes Her Weak In The Knees
More
Friends Than Neil Peart's Got Drums
More
Screwed Up Than 90210
No Fad
Not
A Word To Thank Your Pal
Not
Up For Debate
One
Sorry Dude
Other
Places You Should Stick Your Nose
Pen
Pal Jail
Rather
Mean Green Chili
Raven
King
Return
That Movie ASAP
Roommate
Pol Pot
Savor
Your Win
Selling
Heaters In The Month Of July
Something
To This Much Ado
Surprised
By A Fan
The
Anthony Sowell Of Your Neighborhood
The
BGHL Dont Have No Stanley Cup
The
Comedic Stylings Of A Runaway Train
The
Fabric Of Your Friendship
The
Homophobia Buffet
The
Jokes On You
The Wine
Rack Back
This
Telephone Rap Is All You Gots
Totally
Rad Spouse
Unlike
MC Hammer You Were Not Legit
Virtual
Regret
Watching
Food Television
What
Needs To Be Recycled
Working
Up A Sweat
You
Don't Get To Choose
You
Go A Bit Askew
You Got No
Excuse
You Gotta
Be Polite
Your
Brain Is Blocked By Your Gigantic Hair
You're
Oh So Great
You're
On The Side Of Truth
You're
Second To None
A
Book Of Awful
As
Bankrupt As Ulysses S Grant
Cake
In The Car
Closer
In Age To Eddie Vedder
Don't
Forget The Tux!
Emotionally
Empty Lost & Found
Head
Barista At The Jerk Cafe
Heaven
Forbid
Hippies
At Work
If
Inconsiderate Was A Major
Instead
You Got Some STDs
Just
Not Right
Lessons
On How To Behave
More
Like A Grump
Moving
To Germany
No
Charade
President
Smell
Raise
A Little Hell
Ruder
Than A Lumberjack On Arbor Day
Ruining
Dinner
Some
Simethicone
Telephone
Snob
The
Bees Knees
The
Debt To Your Brother Cannot Be Ignored
The
Elusive Patti Proctor
Thrown
Out Of The Game
Totally
Burnt
Two
Tank Charlie
Virtual
Regret
When
It Comes To Human Beings You're Number One
Worse
Than Marshall Applewhite
A
Little Under Par
Always
Eating Apples On The Telephone
Birthdayless
Cake
Carrot
Top
Cause
For Celebration
Good
With The Lens
I'm
Gonna Pick The Flu
Like
I'm Marvin Gaye
Malfuntion
In Your Temporal Lobe
More
Slippery Than An Oil Spill
Opposite
Frown
Out
Of Business Like TWA
Part
1 - Patch Me Through
Part
2 - Breaking Up
Phil
Collins & NWA
Put
A Cork In It
Selling
Beef Over The Telephone
Sexual
Mouse
Spend
The Day Lounging
Stax
Of Cash
The
Job You're Doing At Life
T-U-R-K-E-Y
White
Balance
Who
Is The Boss
You
Gotta Work On Your Id
Your
Life Is Grand
NON VIGILANTE
(FRIENDLY) RAPZ:
"Burritos
& Hot Sauce"
"The
Gift Of The Year"
"Andy's
Valentine Rap"
"Chrissie's
Valentine Rap"
"Jessica's
Valentine Rap"
"Lisa's
Valentine Rap"
"A
Prayer For Patrick Swayze"
"Birthday
Re-Rap"
"Make
A Sweater For Your Cat To Wear"
"Raw
Fish Makes Everyone Drool"
"You
Lost Some Teeth In Munich, Germany"
"The
National Guard Went To Kent State & Blew Some Students Away"
"Nickleback"
"Running
Low On Monkey Tape"
"These
Aren't The Brakes"
"Don't
Cut Off Your Ear Like Vincent Van Gogh"
"Next
Year I'll Just Buy You A Sweater"
"These
Aren't The Brakes"
"The
Gender Identity Of Thomas Cruise"
"A
Twin Named Shelly"
"Your
New Favorite Band"
"I
Hope You Received Some Bacon Wrapped Dates"
"Relish
Is A Thing We All Can Hate"
"In
Walrus That Means You're A Lot Of Fun"
"You're
Tall, You Like Basketball & The Fall"
"It
Sounds Like You Moved In To A Fitness Club"
"If
You Break The Law The Cops Will Put You Under Arrest"
"Awesome
And Fantastic And Stupendous Combined"
"Raking
In The Bucks Just Like Nick The Greek"
"Your
Kids Play Hockey In Sweden"
"I
Gotta Admit, I Like Dr. Pepper Too"
"A
Hero Ain't Just A Sandwich"
"A
Friend, A Plan, A Canal"
