Entries from days of yore. Enticing, eh?
Entries from days of yore. Enticing, eh?
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08.03.09 YES! YES! YES! Arthur Jones' brilliant Post-It Note Stories website has absolutely done it again (future employers do not read, thanks)! Also: music festival highlight photos, CAT ALERT, Cleveland's Historic Franklin Haunted Castle, AMY VV SARAH DJ SUMMIT, People say "NO!" to the Willis Tower: Chicago / Andy Slater. Oh, a small detail in case you missed it. "Banana Press Conference", Coconut Coolouts in action, Mayor Daley on Contestant's Row, DIY MJ SP, If you LOVE Taco Bell's Fire Sauce, then you will LOVE this drawing of a I LOVE Taco Bell's Fire Sauce T-Shirt. CATZ KAN'T SPELL, "infamous balloon", Coolouts INNA Kitchen, MIND YOUR BEEZ, Space Invaders & A Baby, Lacey Swain in Cook County, another heart of the matter. FUNNY STUFF: #1 #2. UPDATE: A dog owned by my mother's friendly/unfriendly friend has died. My momma loved this dog. I am very sorry momma. UPDATE AGAIN: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, A MARAUDER LOOSE IN THE KITCHEN! See you at Juggalo Weekend in 5 days, you turkeys. Oh, I forgot to mention, Rap Master Maurice is dead. UPDATE #999: Happy birthday, Darlink Pooks. I am loving you for good. 07.26.09 Other internet magik: "halls of illusions", Mudhouse Mansion, If you are going on a long trip and you need to buy a book to preoccupy yourself, don't buy Storms by Carol Ann Harris. It will make you very mad. IF YOU ARE IN CHICAGO, GO TO THE PIZZA FEST AT THE COBRA LOUNGE TOMORROW TO SEE THE COCONUT COOLOUTS, I WILL BUY YOU 5 BEERS IF YOU COME. On other days, don't go to the Cobra Lounge, it's icky there. 07.23.09 Update JR: a cake, Committee Chairperson, FRIENDS 'TIL THE END! It's about time. 07.16.09 I will be crackin' wise @ the Pitchfork Festival all weekend, come by for free butoons! I drew you a map! I went back to OK with POOKS (no captions, busy napping). MAXIMUM ERDMAN @ THE MUSIC FESTIVAL. 07.09.09 Derek Erdman Memorial Button Pack, NO WAY. 07.07.09 L'il GG & The Full Grown Hesher started a rumble on my roof last Saturday night. L'il GG was contained for most of the night until his gullet overflowed with PBR and he began pounding his upper leg reciting punker poetry. I told him to pipe down and then George REALLY told him to pipe down as she takes great pleasure in ejecting party ding-dongs. After telling the terrible trio that they had to ramble, The Full Grown Hesher decided he wanted to rumble. "I'm not leaving," he said, which was deciphered as "I was left alone a lot as a child, and now I'm an adult baby." Evidently he was then thrown down the stairs by Cap'n Essay and broke his fingee. OH, POOR WITTLE BABY CAN'T MAKE SKULL COLLAGES AND PWAY PUNK WOCK NOW. They next day somebody rode by the house and called George an "Ohio transplant". OH, WHO CARES ABOUT ALL THIS? You should really just buy: MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL COLORING BOOK. Also: YOU ARE MICHAEL JACKSON'S DOCTOR, I love a dog named Harry, HELLO, Chopstick Joe, OBOMBA. Does this TV show make me look fat? YES, AND DUMB! 06.29.09 Bob Mehr, seriously, I don't know how he does it. You see, the Ol' Great Mehr has a wall of rock music biographies at home, he reads them as part of his job I suppose. But I've never once heard him mention how mad he gets at the subjects of any of these books. Within the past week I've been reading Wonderful Tonight, the autobiography of Pattie "Doormat" Boyd. Seriously, that woman needs to be throttled for the rest of her life. Here's an exact quote from this masterpiece of text: (imagine high-pitched nasal voice with Brit accent) "Whilst Eric was away in Spain I took some wonderful pictures of flowers. Only later did I discover that he had impregnated 5 women". So, GET THIS, old "Slow Hand" (oh brother) cheats on this woman mercilessly and she divorces him on these grounds in the late 1980s. DUDE, SERIOUSLY, ERIC CLAPTON. She gets a settlement of £4,000 and a shitty apartment. Way to set the Womyn's (!) Lib movement back, oh I don't know, 999,999,999 YEARS, PAT! By the by, Bob Mehr & Sara Kaye Larson go to couples Bikram Yoga twice a week. They live in Memphis in June & go to Bikram Yoga. Good pho in Memphis! High crime! If you LOVE Michael Jackson then you're REALLY LOVE these XXX-Tra Hott Jacko animated GIFs: 1 2 3 4. Also, according to a white chap named Chris Brown, the Wesley Willis CD Repository is now complete with all of the Wesley Willis songs ever released on CD. Rickart, Art & Associates have informed me that if I host these songs for three years I then obtain the rights. They did not really inform me of this, though I think by declaring it, it becomes true. The law is pretty neat, isn't it Twinkie Defense? In other news, I accidentally ate a midge today. Well, um, I was actually very aware that I was putting it into my mouth. OH MAN! I just rode my bike to Odd Obsession (it's 5:53am) to return some movies (including Amy's new all-time favorite The Arrangement) with a rather loud transistor radio listening to the speculation of the demise of Bernard "$10,000 Pyramid" Madhoff when a woman who lost some money said that she "could care less" about what happens to him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, TO "COULD CARE LESS"? It was then it hit me: people that invest money are greedy. Yeesh, I really should just go to sleep or move to Sealand. HERE'S STUFF: Along comes George VS Where Is George?, Chuggo VS Culkin, Corey Feldman's GREAT DISASTERS, Panda #4 For Cat Wong VS Panda Gift-Set, ET VS MOZ, here is the 39th best painting I've ever made. UPDATE: I am going to be on cable TV, thanks DrewTube. EXTREME UPDATE: Eww, I used to swim in this quarry. 06.25.09 Michael Jackson memorial pictures, here. 06.22.09 Last week while in Ohio I had a terrible dream that George The Cat was actually a reincarnated Warren Zevon, explaining why George has a tendency of attacking my head while I'm asleep. Here are a bunch of things: "A Location Of Unalterable Perfection", "Can Touch This", CARDZ, Craigslist Massacre, Ohio restaurant signs. If you are in Ohio you will ask yourself: Is Cory Race a genius? YOU WILL SAY YES. Nick Vandermolten made a website, whoa stand back. More: old college photo, Studs T, YMOMNBTF, an awesome 80s punker video. UPDATE: Big Boy, Flub's, In-N-Out Burgler, Wendy's, Legalize It. EVENT: Jason Polan will be at Printed Matter in NYC two days ago from 2pm until 4pm. EGADS: Though the movie Billy The Kid is interesting and sad, it's apparent that the maker of the film is an opportunist using a child's condition to propel her into better social circles. Fold your pizza, indeed. 06.11.09 JASON POLAN was featured on The Observer a few days ago, WHOA. He also wrote me the best email today that I have ever received today, that's a good sentence! Here is a phone call: THE BUILDING WILL NOT BE MOVED. Terrifying Derek Erdman fan clubs on Facebook: 1 2. Awesome stuff via David Wilcox: KENNETH NOID VS GOBBLEDOK. LOOK: not the best video ever called OLD STYLE: "DON'T HAVE A KICK TO IT". Arthur Jones is TOTALLY RULING, Neko Case writes nice, Devendra Banhart is EMERGING, "Now go break the windows", "They are the Ovaltineys", "Tropic Of Thunder", "Urine On Your Mind", GET THIS GUY TO DRIVE YOU AROUND TOWN. I had a nice day, Sally bought me lasagna. I hope Phil lets us stay at his house. 06.09.09 The POOX and I are coming to Ohio, SO WATCH OUT. Also, here is a PAGE OF PICTURES. Later there were Kathy Mcginty sweatings over this guy, a party that you could have missed & some crummy pizza. OH ALSO: paintings in a house, The Ostrich & Rosicrucianism. UPDATE: I found a pamphlet in a restaurant, IT SAID THIS. Oh, brother. Neuticles are "Testicular prosthetic implants for neutered pets." INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO! 05.26.09 URGENT MEXI-MESSAGE: If Liz Clayton has gone to Tijuana, let her return in less than 2 pieces (1>0). Well, hello internet! Buenos tardes! ¿Voy de pesca, querría usted venir? Oh, the depression. Oh, the crippling feelings of so much to do all of the time. THEN EUREKA, IT HIT ME: I really don't have to do anything EVER AGAIN. For the next six months I don't think I'm going to do very much at all. I mean, I'm going to eat rye Triscuits and go on walks and play tennis and sleep. If I owe you a drawing idea or a pianting or a wallpaper pattern proposal, expect a message from me soon weaseling out of it, I'll have a heap of excuses. When I find myself in times of trouble, I listen to a Morrissey song called OH PHONEY over and over again. Here are some signs: Sinclair/Sohio. ALSO HOT PIX: Young Newbz & Bataille: 1 2 3, Pooks as student, LEGAL EAGLEZ, some dogs, "a point is made!", "WE AGREE!", there is a new sheriff in town, it's name is A CAT CALLED GEORGE. OH NO, DILEMMA: Roommate Todd's fiance is in NYC and there's a good chance that the judge he is clerking for this summer will NOT be forced into the Supreme Court, WHAT TO DO? Answer: we all decided to watch Full Metal Jacket & eat banana bread. Afterwards I read that the person who wrote the story that it was first STOLE A MOUNTAIN OF LIBRARY BOOKS AND WENT TO JAIL FOR IT. If you like to watch intersections but don't have time to leave the house, HERE IS ONE TO WATCH. UPDATE: If somebody can tell me why this'n website has gotten 4,000 hits from the OSU Sociology Department in the last 2 weeks, I will send that person 2 $20 bills ($40). Color me INTERESTED. UPDATE AGAIN: A member of the Lip Service Transcription "TYPIN' TORNADOES" team has a page of rather confusing Flash games. I will send a person 1 $20 bill ($20) who can best describe what "unalterable perfection" means. Morrissey has been wishing you an unhappy birthday for the past 20 years, tell him thanks by downloading his bootlegs. 05.15.09 Erdman V. Norman OK Report 2009. Painting & Drawing pages have also been updated, LOOK AT THEM. HOT NEU FOOD PIX: egg / burger. Great new rapz involving trauma: Drinking & Diving / Really The Pits. Upon return from a VERY LONG drive I found a package in a mail, a copy of The Fall's Live At The Witch Trials (UK OG): It was sent by Mike Hummel (NEAT). OTHER THINGS: Duty & Erdman "have a logo", Woodroofe Sweet Tea, Mendez As Game Master, NY TO NY, Pooks & Lizz, Jackie Carol Channing (Mullet Over), Polan & Worful #2, ERDKINDLE: Al Packer - A Colorado Cannibal. Steven Art picked up garbage on the side of I-290 and all he got was this public service award. I AM JUST KIDDING, HE MASTERED THE LAW. This may be a re-run, but: JAMIE DRIER IMPLORES TO CRIME SAFELY. NO NEED FOR PRACTICE: Jenny Joyal. AWESOME SHIT UPON THINE INTERNET: Lacey Swain life re-cap, KIDZ RULEZ, LOS Witchbeam (finally talkin'), the new TIMECUBE is Chris Hepburn (LET ME START BY TELLING YOU OF THIS DREAM I HAVE A LOT), heavy information, Hot Heart Medley, GREAT THINGS RIGHT HERE. I'd like to write more but I have a few people down here & I'm about to get nice. UPDATE: I looked into my eyes. FRIDAY
MAY 8TH 7PM - 9PM: 05.05.09 FANTASY SPORTS PREVIEW / Reference guidebook PDF resource ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20). After a week of confusing my body to think that being asleep was being awake, I had a psychic break last evening. I spent a lot of time crying and calling people on phone. Then I listened to Plush and ate pizza and everything was just fine. I met a person named Derek Duty, we are the same person! ALSO, GOOD RMM CALLZ: Crackers Like You'd Put In Clam Chowder, Swine Flu Ground Zero. Here's some usual MISC: Melis @ old record store, Brewers Fingers, DDT LOGO, Food Lion, Mendez Skin, #1 tattoo & the saddest thing in the world. Really, heartbreaking I think at least. UPDATE: Somebody please show me Dateline NBC from May 3rd, 8 EST. 04.27.09 When people from out of town come into town and stay at my house, I like to host them with food, comfy beds & a tidy bathroom. When they bring over New City Newspaper as if it's indicative of weekly Chicago life, I'm absolutely petrified. If you have been not paying attention, there has been big news in my life. it is called: JUDY JUDY JUDY. Darling Pooks now has a room in this home and there is a before & after. I've been approached by Siltbreeze Records to make a record of "phone work" to be released in late 2009, it is called DEREK ERDMAN: THERE'S A LAUGH RIOT GOIN' ON. The worst tracks are: Building A Path To The Burn Camp & Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever. OH MAN LOOK: "Fortunate Teens Party With Morrissey, 1994" featured all over the internet. The best "feature" is from THIS GERMAN WEBSITE. Here are some other things for you: BUCKTOWN BUMMERS DIY STENCIL, Wonderful Old Restaurant drawing, MAUDE WILL NEVER DIE, "Heart Lake", "The Person Who Didn't Exist", "She Made Them Realize", The Last Days Of Med Park, PIX BY POOKS: NEW ROOM MATE CAT, auto pile, "Erdman Talkin'", ALSO: Head Of McManus, Cleveland Dixie Rebel. 3 THINGS OF MAGIC: Last night at dinner SKL was like, "I went on spring break and took a picture of this guy in his Mustang GT 5.0 in 1994 only to later realize that his THINGY was in the picture" (not work safe unless you work in a gross work place). Did I ever tell you about the time that I was throwning snowballs at cars in Columbia Station Ohio and then a person drove back and grabbed me by the arm and marched me to the front door of my house to let me have it? I literally (really, I mean it) peed my pants the whole way, THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENED. WORDZ TO THE WIZE: if you cross me on the internetz, I paste your face on neo-nazi photos that I find on Google, I am obviously no joke: 1 2. UPDATE: Mexican Swine Flu is obviously a big late April Fools joke, you are so dumb. THIS
THING ALREADY HAPPENED: MONDAY APRIL 20TH 8PM - 11PM: THIS
THING ALREADY HAPPENED: THURSDAY APRIL 23TH 9PM: 04.20.09 Things that are tough: MY KARI FERRELL REPORT VS. RECORD FAIR 2009. David "Big Box Of" Wilcox reports that Post-It Note Show tomorrow is going to be a madhouse and is already sold out, so if you're going, expect me to be "adequate". I haven't practiced, I'm winging it! L@@K: Dave Depper holdin' Toppers, history of PB&J, pizza evidence, I wrote a bad review of The Twin Anchors on Yelp about their crummy ribs and the owner wrote me a nice response but I'm not going to print it here because she didn't include payment (Paypal account address = derek.erdman@ameritech.net). 04.13.09 OH MAN: The Curious Case Of Andy Matesi. Otherwise everybody is like: TAXES ARE SO HARD! Here are some drawings: Amy Likes A Dodge Omni, Boomer Theater, Norman Train Depot, James Garner, Lee Remick, NIGHTHAWKS: In The Bathroom, Still Life With Old Snacks, Switzer Visits The Alamo, TITLE MATCH, Police Woman. I cannot get over this old KSU picture from 1992. Every time I look at it my eyes adjust and I get a stomach ache, I want to be there. Other old Ohio pictures (1 2) VS old Norman dorm room. Cleveland, REALLY SERIOUSLY. Eww, gross: Toppers! LOOK: A nice heaping tower of human being. 04.05.09 Whoa, XXXXX issue: XXXXX! Also free: THE NUGENT TAPE, 60 exact minutes of HOT TRAX. People are so mad because it's snowing, but when you don't leave the house, you don't even notice. ALSO: 1980s Cleveland Punkr Pix: 1 2 3 4. E. Scott art crit: LA 2007, Switzer, Scanners, Fotomat, TITZ, I am so excited. Amy & the man who invented joy! UPDATE: Look at these unbelievable videos that I gave to the internet: Candy Heist 1993, Impett Park Shredding, Shredders In Trouble, Rebecca He Just Peed!, Here, Interview Yourself, The Reverse Burgler, ROAR! 04.03.09 I got a call yesterday from a bakery where I have paintings for sale. The woman on the phone said that most of the paintings had sold and that I should put up more. She also said there was enough money to pay my rent for two months. "WHOA, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY," I thought. When I got to the bakery the amount was one half of one months rent. Then it hit me: THAT PERSON HAS NO IDEA HOW MUCH I PAY IN RENT. On April 20th I'll be taking part in a Post-It Note Reading Series at The Hideout at 8pm. Oddly though, I'm listed on the poster DEAD LAST. I re-made the poster in the order of who Google says is the most important. I also made a version of who I think is the most important. ME! ONLY CHILD! SO IMPORTANT! Here's some stuff: Bucktown Bummers, Dick Kelly, Patti, 99 9s, Chubby Hitler, NOT Dustin Drase, Every episode of You Can't Do That On Television. UPDATE: NEW ERDMAN SERVICES: ADVICE MASTERS, $15 PORTRAIT SERVICE. 03.26.09 NOTICE TO THE WORLD: Our Little Georgie is all growed up and engaged to be married to Steven Art! HOORAY! My Shirt W shirt was absolutely denied by the people that buy shirts. Parking meter revolt! I laid in bed for most of the day and crI ed while watching Little House On The Prairie. I am telling this to you. Have a look at these other things: Patty Preston INC, Altair 8800, Atari Joystick, Atari Paddle, Cassette Drive, Color Computer 1, Color Computer 3, 1541 Disk Drives, Macintosh, NO CLASS, a winning banana bread recipe, POOKS & GEORGE, split Brian Wilson & 2 year late Volvo giveaway entry. George & Steve engaged in the ocean, hooray! 03.17.09 Recently Amy expressed her extreme embarrassment that I was a "poor tipper". It seems that when we go out to eat I tend to double the tax (10.25% x 2 = 20.50%) as a tip. She said that she recently read in a New York newspaper that servers in New York are absolutely disgusted by people who double the tax for a tip. While we were arguing about this I took some garbage out and found a Portuguese Water Dog in the alley. At first I thought it was just a "fat Poodle" until I sent pictures (1 2 3 4) to George and Steve who excitedly told me that it was a Portuguese Water Dog and was worth thousands of dollars. Amy and I decided to keep the dog and name it either Esther or Popcorn, but I noticed out of the window what looked like an older couple looking for something. "Are you looking for something?" I asked as they walked by. "A fat Poodle," the older man answered. GREAT THINGS: Steve Stibora's 1980s Shred Pix, Leah Giblin's #1 EMAIL. NOT GREAT THINGS: I have been in bed for 40 hours with a gigantic temperature. In case you missed it: COLUMBIA FILM PROFESSOR DAN RYBICKY IS AN INTERNET BULLY 03.11.09 COLUMBIA FILM PROFESSOR DAN RYBICKY IS AN INTERNET BULLY. It's no doubt that "Derek Erdman has a brand of crazy that is hard to stop looking at." On the other hand Sara Kaye Larson reports, "I love when you say all kinds of crazy crap!" LOOKS: Birds stealing ice cream! CHEEZUS! 03.09.09 I sidestepped the high price of therapy by coming to a revelation in bed on Saturday night. I have a dynamite social anxiety tick that causes me to speak VERY LOUDLY about dumb things when I am nervous in public. Example: Pookz & I went to Nick C.'s birthday party on Saturday night and upon entering was convinced that everybody there hated me so I started talking about my favorite flavor of candy: RED. Whatever candy is red, it is THE BEST. Weekend update highlight #2: Warriors midnight movie on Friday with Newberry, Bataille & Amy. A terrible movie made much better by quick-drinking red wine and eating Thin Mints. Sally & I talked to some people on Saturday morning about our Exquisite City building & I'm wrestling with designing a book cover for Feral House. I am telling the internet everything that I do! Also, I need Rodenstock Rocco 145 frames & I have been listening to this song for the last 4 hours. Chuck Rickert: WHOA. HOORAY: Urban C. 03.03.09 It up and happened tonight! The terrible bore/guilt cloud has lifted! At some point I came to the conclusion that I've painted myself into a corner regarding my career, I can't possibly keep up with what I've decided to do. So tomorrow I give up the brushes and take some civics test to become a notary public! And then a cab driver! Volleyball coach! In regards: THESE THINGS (and a wire), "a word from Bobby", high school photo flashback: 1 2, OLD GREAT APE (EATING), Soul Train (Newberry), THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST. A special thanks to MOLZ E for taking that picture to the limit. AWESOME STUFF ON AN INTERNET: Chicago Police Scanner, Dabbin's Cloud, Steve Stibora's 80s Skateboarding Photos, Mark Gormley, Talkin' to Liz Clayton 2006. UPDATE: Amy & I have decided to move to Phoenix. Also, I'm attending your Facebook event! Hey, does anybody have a Powershot S500 they'd like to sell to me? 02.25.09 DOM K. is always like, "make me a coffee-table book of your travel pictures with captions" and I am only like: here are condensed vacation pictures without captions. I HAVE A LOT OF NERVE! Otherwise you can see: "Ashley's World", "Darling Pooks" & "Lake Eater". WHOA: FREDERICK WISEMAN at a place! MAJOR UPDATE: SKL writes best-seller emails, I am so glad to know her. DOUBLE MAJOR UPDATE: I am scratching peace symbols in your tombstone. TRIPLE MAJOR UPDATE: Happy birthday Joshie! FOUR MAJOR UPDATES: Way to go, Georgie! 02.14.09 There was an argument on the street as I walked to work today. I could see the start of it ahead as I approached, a woman wheeling a cart of laundry while waiting for the cross walk signal to change became annoyed that another lady's dog was smelling her folded clothing. "Please keep your dog away from my laundry", the first woman said to the other. The other woman explained that she lets her dog smell whatever it wants for as long as it wants. The laundry lady moved her cart and the dog followed, which was funny to me that the dog lady let this happened. Is it bad to let a dog smell clean laundry? I'd check the box YES, for sure. I am going to San Diego! Amy and I will find ourselves in a Carlsbad Marie Callender's eating salad, chicken pot pies & cheesecake. I will be wearing a black long sleeved shirt. I will not tell her why we are doing this, we will just be there. 02.13.2009 I love the Vietnamese soup called pho, I think about it a lot. Traditionally it is made with beef tripe, but I like it with chicken, even though I like chicken less and less as an adult. Really, chicken is pretty icky, just because of those cage pictures. Eggs are really good though and that makes sense because the eggs never really have to live in those awful places and I don't eat egg shells, I put them in my plants like my mother did. Hi Patty, I love you. Being from Cleveland, Ohio is nice because you get to have an idea of what the worst of the worst is like. I mean, things are a lot more terrible in Haiti, but growing up in a rusty poor place with dumb-bell people primes you for tough times. I've been asking old friends about Brandon Wagner (seen here: 1 2) only to find BAD BAD BAD NEWS. I hope Brandon Wagner is eventually ok. I remember talking about Die electrical eels with him around the age of 18 and how when I listen to the electric eels now I still think of him. I think that's why I like the band Sloth so much, they're the logical extension of Cleveland within that tradition. OH: JESUS WITH YOU SOMETIMES, Lincoln Breakfast: Jim #1, Jim #2, POOKZ. This Judson Claiborne shirt design is both awesome and not awesome at the same time. 02.11.09 THE RUMORS ARE TRUE: Amy & I are moving to San Diego at the end of April 2009. I will be so glad to go there, I am going to have Brandon Walsh hair. I made a painting tonight, it is called MIAMI BEACH: TIGER. I also took these pictures today, it was so warm! Everybody was like: IT'S SO WARM OUTSIDE 1 2. It is all foggy outside now, like a Pink Floyd record cover. I asked Hannah Woodroofe to write about what my paintings were about and she did a really good job because she's the smartest person in the world. Jason Polan drew the picture because he is the best artist in the world. I am very glad that these people are my friends. SEE THAT STUFF HERE, DUH. 02.09.09 Bob and Sara are so in love! Ever since Beth Hoeckel told me to listen to Longmont Potion Castle, it is all I have been doing. I think it has changed my life, I have done a complete 180. Rap Master Maurice is on the brink of international stardom, but first John Dugan has to write the story to expose him to the world. He keeps saying that he will write it but he continually DOESN'T. Here are some pictures of things: 1 2 3 4. I miss you! Tomorrow I'm going to call my father on the telephone. 02.02.09 If I gave a care about carrying a camera around anymore, you could look at pictures of The Exquisite City opening or Pooks meeting Haskell Wexler at the Studs Terkel memorial or the original Soul Train tribute at Chic A Go Go or the Mops Grand Opening Party or a bunch of goons recording a Christmas panto at Engine Studios. Instead you just get kid pix, 2 new Wesley Wills CDs & an assortment of new raps. Be a fan of RMM on Facebook, NEAT! UPDATE: This flyer came with my car insurance renewal and I wondered for a long time whether it was awesome or not, but then decided that it most definitely is. 01.26.09 New raps, paintings & drawings. Also, if you have a heart: bid on this Rollie Fingers painting to help Anna destroy cancer. Joan Hiller had a breakfast, it looked like this! My favorite thing by me: The Juggalos Get Caught With The VCRs. Though I did not make Japanese Louis Armstrong, Cleveland Hardcore. 01.22.09 Happy Birthday GEORGIE! January 22nd is the best of all days as we celebrate the birthday of George Rickert. She is officially an adult! Way to go Georger! Also on this great day is the birthdate of Liz "Lizard" Clayton! That is a powerhouse of birthdays, I am overwhelmed. OPERATION ETSY STORM: Derek vs Amy (EVERYBODY WINS!). UPDATE: Man, some people died at Mcdonald's in the 1980s & 1990s, BUT A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE DIED AT MCDONALD'S IN THE 2000s. 01.21.09 Audi Martel as a child V. "tennis" Martel. OH NO RETURNED PACKAGE, Sheila Sachs take a bow, scrambled eggs revealed, NO CHESS WITH BABY, Joan & Davey go to Cheeseburger In Paradise, MAN ALIVE: with the double whallop of David Wilcox & the story of Walter, THIS is the best radio show I have ever listened to. Johnny Depp declared bananas his favorite thing of 2008, Doug Gillard said that he liked my paintings & things. This is a high-water mark of my career, I listened to Mag! Earwig 5 times tonight in celebration. UPDATE: Sorry for the lag in raps, I'm busy! DOUBLE UPDATE: Busy sleeping!
RAP MASTER
MAURICE - Part Of The Problem Since 2008 01.14.09 SLOTH, the other only band that matters, is putting out a 15th anniversary record soon. I hand painting the first 10 copies of the limited edition pressing, but I'm not sure how you will be able to buy them. Here's how they look, though: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Here are things made to look small: buffalo, cemetary, dinner, drive-in, hamburger, alps. Oh, here are some other things: FOREST T, Gristle & Junior, Pizza George, L&J, Marilyn M, Recyclers, OLD HOUSE. That's it over here, really. It's just all snow & cold and staying inside up in this piece. UPDATE: Man, there is something so fascinating about people on YouTube covering songs, I could watch them all day. UPDATE #2: Wii ID: 6339709031591543 / nickname: BONKERS. 01.02.09 HOLY F, new year! Everyday of this year has been good so far, I am excited for the next 695. There should be new paintings each day this year. There was a party, it was fun! DOM K is revered by the Japanese and sent in a rather nice holiday / birthday card set. Liz Clayton came to town, yo! I hope she will not be mad that I am going to show you these pictures that she took: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13. GAH, BOBBY M AND SKL IN LOVE! Later I found the lottery ticket of truth. Here are a lot of laffs: "SNACK 9/11", "CCC: Canadian Cookie Club", "Those Awful Hats #1", "Those Awful Hats #2". Here is King Cook with bonus PANTS PICTURE. Hey, can you read numbers (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9)? UPDATE: Whoa, Still Sharkula! DOUBLE UPDATE: A monumental regret of 2008 is presenting the story of Sara Lineberger & I to a crowd of people at the beginning of December at something called Pecha-Kucha. The basic story that I told was true with plenty of embellishment and at times made both Sara and I appear to be less than perfect people. It was an intimate story meant for an intimate crowd, but of course Flickr's version of Morgan Spurlock decided that it was in his best investigative interest to post it on the internet for eternity to see. I can't blame the reckless actions of said person, I've done far worse for internet traffic. I'd sincerly like to apologize to Sara though, as it wasn't meant to be awful or mean or funny, it was just an interesting story in which I should have changed the subject's name. 12.29.09 WHOA, the weather! People have been calling all week like, "OH, IS IT COLD THERE? RAINING?" Geez Louise, who on earth cares? It's weather! People are always talking about it, nobody's doing anything. THEN THEY'RE ALL LIKE: Oh, what about tomorrow? Cold? Raining? IT'S DECEMBER. Yes, it's cold, IT'S WINTER. Who cares about the weather tomorrow? Some giant piano is going to fall off of a tower and land on your head and you're going to be all like, "OH NO, 50 DEGREES TOMORROW". Surely, I digress, you are so dumb. HOLY S, THE PANTO RULED! I was so glad to meat and grate (erm, meet & greet) the goons that made up the cast of MUTINY ON THE BAGEL, some of which I have never met before and will never talk to again! One awesome dude in the band looked 999% like Eugene Levy but I was never in the mood enough to ask him, "HEY, DO PEOPLE SAY YOU LOOK LIKE EUGENE LEVY?", because that's actually a totally dumb thing to ask somebody. If he did answer "YES" I would have to be like, "WELL, DO YOU LIKE SCTV? MARTIN MULL?" I think I just drank pee. AND THEN, GET THIS: people are all mad at the year 2008! They keep talking about how much money they lost 'n stuff. WTF ZUNE DUDE, 2008 ruled! Aside from my aligning myself with the most wonderful person in the world, Rap Master Maurice was born, I went to 66 states, had 11 art shows, sold 999 paintings, did some newspaper covers, made neat friends, started 37 businesses, went to Santa Fe with POOKS, etc. Later, in the TOTALLY AWESOME DEPT: Why in the flying F would you want to wrap your XMAS tree in plastic to throw it away? Really, it's ok to just throw away a tree BECAUSE IT'S JUST PART OF THE EARTH! You are wrapping it in plastic because you are a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Your XMAS tree looks like a ghost, your life is haunted, you are going to die. I mean, you know, eventually. That's not a death threat, natch. HERE'S A BUNCH OF RAD STUFF: Christmas pictures: food, Pooks & food, $100 Kwanzaa fruit tower, holiday dog, Amy & holiday dog, giant cartoon, it is decided that if you don't like XMAS then you are a gigantic curmudgeon. LATER THERE WAS: Bob Mehr 1985, Rollie Erdman, EAT IT!, maybe/maybe not, Morgan Freeman's wax body, NUNYA, new parent greeting, WT Sherman, The Big House, 2 Way Cobra (OKC), Y FIREZ, Jason Polan IZ controlling the Miami D. Also, there is: HOLIDAY XMAS RAP FROM PDX, Elena photo & text, Willem Defoe EST GROSS, "Girl & Doll & Dog", "Hang It Up", "Death Is Wack", "Lewis Lapham", "Power Lines (sideways 8)", "Lacey Swain On Huey Lewis", "The Girl That Went To Bed With A Dolphin", "CASTLER", "Tim Horton's", "A Whale Of A Truth", "WOW!". YOU WILL
GO TO: 3rd Annual Christmas Panto at The Hideout 12.15.09 There are no forks at the thrift store. There are bins and bins of butter knives, a few spoons, perhaps even some corn handles, but if you're looking for something with tines, you're outta luck. Though I did find the holy grail at Unique on Kedzie nonetheless: MENSA BATHROOM DOOR. There are many good things to eat at the dim sum breakfast at The Phoenix in Chinatown but the 1,000 year-old egg is not one of them. It will make war with your belly and your belly with throw it's shoes at the egg and say HERE IS A FAREWELL KISS YOU DOG. I am in the Christmas Panto at The Hideout this week! You will go, I play a cabin boy with a beard, here is a preview. What is better: Forever or Go For A Soda? UPDATE: Happy 36th birthday on Wednesday, Steven Art. DAG YOU ARE OLD. DOUBLE UPDATE: If you stop by or call or email and I don't answer it's because I'm in a blanket tent watching Frederick Wiseman movies eating Doritos. Sorry about that. 12.09.09 LOOK! NEW! Not sure what to give as a gift this holiday season? Let somebody else decide for you! GIFT CERTIFICATES ARE HERE! I parked my car on the street and touched somebody's car. I have been asked to never do it again. If you are concerned, there is still time to order paintings before Christmas, but not much. Orders are filling up, chop-chop.
FOUR
WAY TIE FOR GROSS! Birthday Party December 5th: YOU ARE WONDERING: What do I get for Derek for his birthday? Well, I sure could use a staple gun (Arrow), AA batteries, Home Depot gift cards, Dick Blick gift cards, Adderall, a Kangol bucket hat (LL Cool J Style, large size), a thin long scarf (used), Size 9 black & white checkered slip-on Vans (new), drawings, homemade cards, Google Android G1 Phone, Uniball Vision Fine Tip Pens (Black Ink), Aristocrat By Leigh Potters dinnerware (red & white stripes), haiku, cookies, candy, Red Bull, old yearbooks, old photos, blank DVDs. SEND TO: 2068 N. Leavitt Chicago, IL 60647. It's been a pleasure doing business with you! UPDATE: Jason Polan GET OUT OT TOWN. 12.01.08 WATCH OUT WORLD! Me & Jim Newberry & a gaggle of other people are all part of PECHA KUCHA CHICAGO #7 this Tuesday at Martyr's. We each take turns presenting 20 photos, talking about each photo for 20 seconds. It should be F-U-N with a capital T! Also, it apparently sells out pretty fast, so if you want to go, get in line NOW. Pooks wrote all about the things that we watched on TV in OK. Conversely, people on the internet LOVE to see what R. Kelly will pee on next: Burning Man, Calvin, Seinfeld, Longhorns. Ok, also see "SKL PROM PIC #2: BACK IN THE HABIT", TB sheet receipt, "first night of joy", "more joy", GIFTZ & SPOTZ. Julia wanted me to tell you that she is my roommate, get off of my website now. 11.29.08 Email of the week, sent to Jennifer C: "Minding your bees" is a saying that my roommate made up, "bees" being business, of course. So, if anyone is giving you a hard time, you can just say, "MIND YOUR BEES". This saying has morphed into "NONE YA BEES", which is short for "none of your business", but even that has been shortened to "NONEYA" which is a quick response to almost any nosey inquiry. Example: Q: "why are you putting on so much make up?" A: "NONEYA". UPDATE: Birthday list up above, go and get 'em! DOUBLE UPDATE: Go Sooners, WHOA. I am getting a Barry Switzer fur coat. TRIPLE UPDATE: My birthday list made it onto the internet's #1 info-blog, SO AWESOME. 11.24.08 Hey LOOK: Fantastic Industries advertisement. Amy is so ON TOP OF IT in regard to all to the terrible movies we have been watching on the giant sheet. Stever asked Julia & I what we wanted from the grocery and we produced pathetic shopping lists. I ate some non-sleep pills and made 65 paintings in a 24-hour period, holiday orders are pouring in, I am meeting the needs of people. I AM TELLING YOU ALL OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED. There was a man with a truck in the back alley, in the back of his truck was a couch. I yelled at him: IS THAT COUCH FOR SALE and he said YES so I bought it from him for $20. It is small and ugly and uncomfortable and everybody made fun of me for buying it so I am going to get rid of it. HERE is a good Rap Master Maurice rap, Camp Erdman Skate Camp, "Fun Time" Wedding, I am officially a creep for watching A LOT of the Miley & Mandy Show. LOTS OF NEW PAINTINGS GREAT FOR YOU. 11.22.08 BIRTHDAY PARTY: DECEMBER 5TH. What is R. Kelly peeing on = BIG THREE AUTO COMPANIES. Zed Zmith is so sleepy, MoveOn so wasteful!
11.16.08 WHOA WHATTA WEEK: I pretty much got 99 shades of pneumonia and I slept 80 hours in the last 2 days, for sure. Everybody is tired of my cough, they are like, "shut it up already". 53 people wrote to ask why Ira Glass thanked Amy & I at the end of last week's This American Life, the answer is because we helped him! The Chicago Reader cover made people EVEN MORE MAD and then some people sold them on eBay. And then I was all up on the TV with Ana Belavalvala! If all of that wasn't enough, The Reader asked me to do a response cover to the one last week. Oh, the Lexxer is leaving Ohio, but it is OK. I made the cover for the Grand Nutz tape! It looks like this! While I was in fever-sleep I got the idea for: SAN FRANCISCO 2008. SARA KL came to visit, she was all like: spring break / prom pictures from 1993: 1 2 3. GEORGER VS RREGER. I was going to review all of these things, but I have to go to sleep, I hope to do it later. OH GOD: Dead lady loved Paula Abdul, also had a A LOT of Paula Abdul pictures on her Photobucket, and also had a spooky MySpace page. THIS THING OH NO. Sometimes I see how wonderful my girlfriend is and then I get worried like I'm 12. I'm going to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving! DO
IT!
Amy & Sally & Derek In THE EXQUISITE CITY: November 7th -
December 12th 10.27.08 I absolutely had grand plans to write something on this GD web page four nights ago, but I got totally sidetracked by allergy medicine and YouTube videos of old commercials and news clips from 1980s Cleveland, Ohio. When Amy finally arrived from the last CUFF party which featured a band that played Sundown, I was 99% asleep on the desk, mostly drooling. Apparently I woke up and demanded to be allowed to drive to Wendy's for a hamburger but had to settle for a crummy McDonalds fish or chicken sandwich. Really, I couldn't tell which it was. Studs Terkel died on Halloween, what a bummer. That guy could really listen and let people tell their stories. Amy gave me her job at the Chicago History Museum a few months ago and part of it is transferring tapes all of the live-long day of his show onto CD so I get to listen to his voice all of the time and it's really soothing and sometimes it goes through my head like waves. Here are some pictures of things that happened on Halloween: 1 2 3 4 5 6. WARNING: GEORGE ON A CHAIR. Last night a mass of us got a room at the Hilton and watched the election TV shows and then went down to the park to see the new king of the GD USA speak, some of that looked like this: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. Earlier in the day I drew the cover for the latest edition of The Chicago Reader and people are SO MAD AT IT. Deb Pastor gave me so much paint today, like a mountain of it, she is moving to PRESCUIT. Well, well, well: NORMAL PICTURES & then OK MADE THE ONE I LOVE. Revealed: Rob Medina as Christopher Makepeace in My Bodyguard 2: The Lost Years. If you have Internet Explorer, look at this. Otherwise don't bother because it won't work. But you are all like, "I have Internet Explorer but that was dumb and your website hasn't been good for 4 years, Erdman". GOBLINS MANIA: "Goblin Good Day" / "Fruitylicious". Goblin Good Day was made in my house, I sold the skateboard at 259 on eBay for $70. DAG, CONTROVERSY: Talkin' Kentucky, King Fong VS King Fong, FOUR MORE YEARS! Jim Newberry went to Berlin and all you get is this hot dog picture. OK, THESE TOO.
10.27.08
CRIMEWATCH:
THOMOS.
If you find yourself available on November 7th, stop by The
Viaduct Theatre for THE
EXQUISITE CITY where Kathleen Judge has assembled a bevy of art-types
to make a gaggle of buildings which will them comprise a huddled city
that you can walk through and marvel at. Sally, Amy & I have been
working on a fictional hamburger corporation headquarters, we have
not come up with a name yet, we might call it "HAMBURGER
CORPORATION HEADQUARTERS". Things on the internet: make
your own pho, Liam
Hayes in the UK (WOW), drawings & things by Tamara
Shopsin (WOW x2). Talkin' Jennifer Hudson's Family Tragedy Blues:
house
satellite photo, where
the SUV was found, William
Balfour's MySpace photos page. 10.20.08 So many new raps: some of them are good. Phil Cohran plinks the Frankiphone behind a master of drug use in MILLION DOLLAR MONKEY ON MY BACK. Dana Plato's last week of life is documented on MP3 by the man who stole Ed Gein's grave in DANA PLATO'S LAST BREATH. Some English teenz jump off of their beds, tussle blankets and hollar their heads off in THE ENFIELD POLTERGEIST. We have been watching the political things on the giant TV, I only understand 20% of what they're talking about. RMM / FAKE DYLAN Fantasy Dance via Jim Newberry. "Yeah, it's fall y'all" Sara KL 2008 (1 2 3). L'il 911, "Ruth is happy", Sheeps, "Because I couldn't take his head or body with me". ROLL ON BIG O / CATCH 5 (I miss Cleveland 1989). 10.10.08 SEATTLE EXISTS: I cannot believe it. There is proof: Ali (Cagney) & Lacey (Kate), A Couple, "DISMAL N", Art Show Debate, CLOSING, Fall Night Set List, Forever T In My Garage, Goonies House, Waiting, SMOODY, PREPZ, Pooks SEZ "NO", Sasha & Nick, Tim Cook, TRES AMIGOS. General Bonkers is happy to tell you: that wedding was F-U-N. I went to Henry Darger's house, but there is another house there. I MISS ALL OF MY FRIENDS IN THE G NORTHWEST! LET'S GET THE STOCK MARKET DOWN TO ZERO! Does anybody know about stocks? Can we get it all the way down to zero? That would be neat! Let's do it! VOOTS? NO!
"A
GREAT HOPE" Closing Cermony October 2nd Seattle: FALL
NIGHT #10: OCTOBER 2ND @ MCLEOD RESIDENCE IN SEATTLE: 09.28.08 Everybody is going bonkers for Rap Master Maurice On Chic-A-Go-Go. If you have a bunch of time to waste, check out this FASCINATING VIDEO about working in the compu-office of today. If you don't want watch it, check my abbreviated notes. It really does beg the question: HOW DA FUCK DO WE 'POSED TO KEEP PEACE? Also, I ate a Taco Bell Volcano Taco so you wouldn't have to. Hey, Barker Ranch on Google Earth! NEAT! 09.26.08 "Ding-Dong VP", Hot Ex-Corpse, Lobster Lady LLC, SNAP HIM PERFECT! Man, I'm tired. 09.25.08 COLORADO: LOOK AT IT. I have been doing some thinking, the economy hates our freedom, we need to elect shopping for president! If you are in Seattle, please go to the things listed above. HERE ARE THINGS: Jamie's Birthday, wetz, CLOWER 1 & 2, Lauri Apple VS The Kaye Killa, MOOKIE W, Stranger Cover, The Guardian UK, SNAX, Cargill & Hollis. BONUS: HRE HRE HRE, HRE HRE HRE, HA HA HA. The Renewed Mind IS The Key after all! UPDATE: Patty is always grumping that I just say bad things about her on this internet website, and now she has decided to join the Ohioans For Obama forces and traipse door-to-door speaking the good word! Way to go mom, you are doing a good job. Henry Owings defied me to listen to 260 Clash bootlegs AND I DID IT. Often in times of crisis my thoughts turn to the first girl I kissed in kindergarten. I remember her looking something like this. The detective work of MySpace's search function reveals an update: GOOD GRIEF EGADS. 09.16.08 THIS SATURDAY: Rap Master Maurice On Chic-A-Go-Go (show taping). Also related RMM IS A POET. As well as: Bourtney Made Me, young Jackie K., Qdoba Gift Certificate. What is wrong with this person? Please buy these compact discs. 09.15.08 Oh, look! So long, no writings. I went to Omaha and Denver and Westcliffe and Pagosa Springs and Santa Fe so I was gone for a long time. Soon you will see pictures 'n stuff, but until then: WHITES, DRIVING IN, EN TRANCE. 09.02.08 Newberry and I talked about Julian Lennon for like, 20 minutes today. Then for the rest of the night I was all like WELL, IT'S MUCH TOO LATE FOR GOODBYES in my head. That other song is better, about sitting on a pebble. You can't sit on a pebble, but he does not mention that. OH! I MADE A PUNK VEST! I was in a car and all I could think about was drinking Red Bull and making it, I also had a Potbelly's turkey sub with mushrooms: THAT IS THE WAY TO GET THEM. I also opened up an INTERNUT CAFE, you can use it too, it's $1 per page to print. FOOD I ATE VS. CAMILLA HA: The Human Aftermath. LA FIRE EYES, Avant-Ghoul, Newbz-Cardz, DANCING BRENDAN. I love love love love love love love love Mattison. UPDATE: The masons are free in Sandusky, Ohio. I couldn't care less, I just want to ride the rides. 08.26.08 Funny things that happened at FALL NIGHT: (man in sweatshirt yelling over Who Makes The Nazis): IS THIS BLUR? (me): No, it's The Fall. (man in sweatshirt): BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE BLUR! (me): No, it's The Fall. (man in sweatshirt): It sounds like Blur to me! (me): Ok! (man in sweatshirt) Can you play some Blur? Later I overhead that a guy from Wilco was there. I was in line for the bathroom and another guy cut in front of me and starting yanking at the locked door like a maniac. The person in the bathroom started shaking it back like he was mad. When he came out a minute later I was standing there and he looked at me and was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?". It was the Wilco guy, his hair was like a helmet. Here is a picture of a BLT that is in my mouth as I type this. It is neat to look at a picture of something that is in your mouth. I have never seen it, but I've decided to get really into The Prisoner. Please let me know if this is a good or bad idea. Jason Polan, seriously, 30 hours in a day for that guy. NICK VANDER MOLTEN. 08.25.08 If you love JAN TERRI, then you will love THIS 1998 DOCUMEN-TERRI. Truth be told, Rap Master Maurice isn't so wild about friendly birthday raps. He really prefers raps regarding sexual harassment at McDonalds. FALL NIGHT TONIGHT, YEAH! Oh, wow: my childhood AGAIN. FALL
NIGHT #5: AUGUST 25TH @ DANNY'S 08.20.08 Whoa, seriously, INTERVENTION on YouTube. I am so addicted. It was the huffer who captured my heart, from there it was the naked meth addict. There's a DXM episode, but it's kind of boring. It's nice to not have to pay for cable, but you have to watch things from a desk, in chunks. The Wesley Willis CD Repository is almost finished. Here is a drawing of Wesley Willis. OH DAG: Bobby Mehr went to Isaac Hayes' funeral and all you get is this photo of him next to a rug. Joan's fruits , Joshie drinking choco-syrup, a girl, the perfect girl. Hey, Rap Master Maurice was on the radio! The host said that RMM was a "pseudo success"! WHAT A NICE GUY! Hey, Sandi Tan! Hey, Sophia! Hey, Mr. Clarinet! UPDATE: Bob Mehr claims that thing is not a rug but is a "...floral arragnement made of spray painted flowers." WHATEVS. 08.12.08 I am no longer good at tennis. Unfortunately, I was obsessed with the Canadian decapitation bus death, only to find that the victim was a Juggalo, DUM DUM DUMMM. The MIKE TYSON MANSION UPDATE: Hannah went there, she peed on the basketball court. There was a giant storm in Chicago! I have a cousin! Other things: Patty, The Pickle King, Kathy Stevens, Lori Morana, Skellington Key, NOT BAD. FAKE RMM / REAL RMM. My head is literally in the clouds over unnecessary quotation marks. J/K! UPDATE: Bob Mehr received a secret phone call regarding the death of Isaac Hayes. I reckon he will make sure that they do a toxicology test on him. 08.04.08 Dear friends, my gift to you: THE WESLEY WILLIS CD REPOSITORY. It is not done yet, I have 35 more CDs to add. THE GOBLINS PLAYED AT GRANT PARK! They stormed the stage and then the kids watched and then a parent had a discussion with her children and then they left and then The Goblins covered a Negative Element song and then EVERYBODY CHEERED! There is also: Honus Wagner, Oprah V Burning Oprah, Lacey & Ruben GETTIN' HITCHED. Oh wow, Mike Tyson's big ol' empty mansion. I am so good at tennis! I have a new job! 07.28.08 LOOK: Music festival wrap-up, fast payment A+++! Here's a lost turtle & a map. Thomos Talkin' about superstition & photos: 1 2 3. Here is a picture of Blair before her big trip to Florida. We'll miss you, little buddy! BK CLING, in a pickle, Lacey & Ruben, Newberry @ The Party Grill, Violet Hour Pointer, cranes, VAG_DEN, JOAN HILLER IS FAMOUS! Via Edgar VS Via Lombardi. In case you didn't know, "Wayne H. Hodge is a blue collar worker who enjoys fantasy art of all kinds." Hey, Sara Padgett! Sorry I took so long to write, I was busy. AND WHAT A LETDOWN! 07.14.08 WELL: I am talkin' about stuff. If you have ever found yourself lazing around the house wondering where to download TONEZ from the internet, you don't have to worry any longer, HERE ARE TONEZ: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14. Look: braineater, ridin' 1 2 3, who is Kara Bittner, anyway? Thomos O. took a poignant video of people laughing at me, VIA GEB ATKINSON: The Trial Of Judy Priest. CURTIS ALLGIER ON THE INTERNET, OH NO. Hey, Pitchfork this weekend! Stop & say hello! 07.09.08 Nine months ago Erin Hosier & I went to a thrift in Providence, RI. While we were in line to check out, we both noticed a hideously deformed doll that appeared to have rickets. Everybody kept pointing at it while saying "EWWW". The lady behind the counter proclaimed that the doll's name was BLAIR. I bought BLAIR for the ungodly price of $30. Well, it turns out that BLAIR is actually named SMART COOKIE and is apparently TOTALLY RARE to people who collect dolls with contorted arms. I guess she makes more sense if she were to have glasses and, um, cookies, but like, EW GROSS. 07.08.08 Ruth Ann Borum this Friday at Medicine Park. SEE ALSO: YARDSALE. I am getting rid of 999 years of, erm, valuable belongings, NOW YOU CAN BUY THEM, CHEEP. Look at all of these CDs! You can & MUST BUY THEM! Please read this email from Thomos, it is SO GOOD. Hey, do you find yourself wanting a GIANT cling advertising a new hamburger? Send me your address and I'll send you mine! Otherwise, Wayne Coyne's house, DOM ON WRUW, KAT KILLA, "INSTAIN MOTHER", I made so many bad decisions, I've done such a bad job. Ew, Liz Phair movie. UPDATE: Expounding upon the loss of Kitty Keatsie: regular version, slam version. 07.02.08 Dear Debbie, I'm really sorry that I haven't been around very much. I went to Memphis 10 days ago but had to leave early to go to Ohio to take care of Patty. It was a total family debacle that involved xxxxx, a xxxxx and $xxxxx and I'm pretty sure I'll have some sort of breakdown in the upcoming weeks over it. While I was in Ohio I got to hang out with Steve Five who is in the new Circus Devils video, which is totally great. Oh, do you want my cat? It seems that I am unable to keep her as I can no longer breathe when she is around. I narrowly escaped a speeding ticket in Arkansas by telling the police officer that I was related to Mayor Daley and spent a few days driving around the beautiful suburbs of Cleveland. On top of that I got REALLY MAD at a tennis racquet! I did some drawings of Eddie Murray, he is drinking 50/50 in one of them. Oh, when I was in Memphis I met a girl named Hillary who was totally NOT NICE, I have decided to not get to know people anymore. I did not see Hannah when I was in Ohio because I was too busy being at Target. Hey, there is a website where somebody takes Garfield out of Garfield comics, it's pretty good! Tonight I went to dinner at Nick's house and Jamie Hayes was there. Here's a video displaying compassionate adolescents. Brian Turner says hello and also said, "So, today on WFMU's block Wendy's showed up with this GIANT set up and gave away 2,000 hamburgers to pedestrians. We went down with a vidcam and started giving away a few of the Where's the Beat CDs to much confusion of the people and booth people running Wendy's. The best thing is most of them didn't know who Clara Peller was or what Where's the Beef meant." I am going to have people over on July 3rd, you have come over if you want. Have you seen the MADATOMS website? It's like WHOA! Your friend, Derek Erdman NEAT
THINGS TO DO THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY: 06.20.08 OHIO KID HOT DOG PICS: 1 2 3. OHIO: TEENZ. DO IT: Dream Deceivers. Chroma, Ted Bundy Has An Appetite. Paul Germanos shutterbuggin'. Fat Boys, The Chess Label, HEY GOOD PRANKS: 1 2. I am sorry that I am not writing more, I have tonsillitis. UPDATE: Uh oh, Morrissey Sock Puppet. 06.10.08 I asked some young people about the first Violent Femmes record, here are their responses. Vigenere Tablet, free photobooth wedding photos. Steve Five got so mad at Roberta's Pizza Shop that he asked for Rap Master Maurice revenge ON THE HOUSE. I pretty much had to oblige, Steve Five practically invented Rap Master Maurice. Somehow it turned out to be the meanest RMM rap ever and I kind of feel bad about it. I mean, he feels bad about it. FUTURE COBRAS RECORD WORTH A BARROW FULL OF MONEY, SO HAPPY NOW. 06.04.08 Ok, here are pictures from OK. Also, I found the BEST THING EVER, it is called this. You can also look at: FREELOADERS, Dog On Water, Katy Perry, I am glad to go to sleep now. Perhaps if you have nothing better to do, you can bid on my auction for 9 Shakin' Stevens records (?). I don't really know why I own things like this, but I hope to sell them, to you. 06.03.08 OH, GONE FOR SO LONG. I went to Oklahoma, I want to tell you about it later. UNTIL THEN: LOOK AT THIS PERSON TUMBLE DOWN A SLIDE, Thomos found the hamburger table, coloring book cover, MOLLIE EDGAR'S THE HONK, Luis's ANTEATERS, "hand faces", THERE ARE NEAT THINGS EVERYWHERE, such as: "Help Insurance For Larissa". 05.23.08 There are a lot of cameras in the world, everywhere. They are perched on walls above the sightline, out of view. Many are recording things that nobody will EVERY WATCH! If you type: inurl:"viewerframe?mode=refresh" into Google, you can access some of these cameras. You will be able to change the resolution, zoom, pan, REJOICE. My favorites are: master bedroom, doors, copy machine, city model, boat dock. Now that I have a police scanner and access to random cameras, I've decided to no longer leave the house. I'm in a show at the PowerHouse Arena in NYC for the next month, you can read more about it here. Thanks a lot, Sara Rosen. I will never move to NYC. "Those
People Are So Mad At Me & Julia" @ End Of An Ear In Austin
TX: 05.20.08 The magic that is Joan Hiller breezed through town last week, leaving FLAWED in her wake. Here are pictures of it from my new best friend Hastings Cameron, we are related by brain-frame, he is not a space case! My old friend Bobby Burg came to the art opening! We talked for some time and then he started BEEPING! I looked at the back of his neck and saw wires, HE IS A ROBOT! Look out soon for my new business venture: THE LAURIE DANN GUIDED TOUR. I will drive you to all of the infamous Laurie Dann sites in my 1994 Subaru station wagon while you drink Capri-Sun fruit drinks and eat cookies. Later, after the art show a bunch of people went to the singing place and sang the songs, Jim Newberry made a photo of it. Jim Newberry is doing so many things, he is a talent! Ok, here is advice on drawing, HANNAH WOODROOFE IS ALL OVER EVERYTHING: 1 2. Amy Cargill is my girlfriend. 05.14.08 If you show off your body in an ad on Craigslist to get free Cubs tickets, and then some goon writes to you pretending to be the nephew of Cubs GM Jim Hendry, you probably got what you deserved. I call it: CUBS FOOLIN' (BORE ALERT). You know who else likes the Cubs? AUSTRIAN KIDNAPPER JOSEF FRITZL. I have seen the future of music, it is called JOEY BELLADONNA. Patty came for Mother's Day! It was so nice to see Patty! As a nice gift I put her up at the Hotel Intercontinental downtown. Then she gave a gift to me, SHE RAIDED THE MINI-BAR! Oh, Patty, I am so glad to owe the hotel $90 for pretzels and M&Ms. Then she took some pastries in a napkin that I'll most likely be paying for as well. HERE ARE TWO PICTURES OF HER, SHE HATES WHEN I PUT THEM HERE. I listen to the police scanner all day long, it says THIS & THIS. Missing Persons found, harmed & unharmed, AMAZING. THE HOUSE MUSCLE GOD HAS COME TO SAVE THE DAY, it is about time, thank the heavens. YOU COME
TO: Cynthia Plastercaster's 61st Birthday Party, S'FUN: 05.05.08 Ok, so I go to Jewel tonight at 3am to get a bunch of yogurt AND I GET FUCKING MUGGED ON THE WAY OUT. This is the first time it's happened to me, I was so excited. First the person (burgler) came up to me and said, "Hey can you spare a few bucks?" and I was like, "Um, no." and then HE PULLED OUT A GUN and said, "Just give me your fucking money!" Luckily I've taken to not carrying a wallet, just like $30 at a time and since I had just bought a bunch of yogurt I only had $18 left so I gave it to him and then he said, "WHAT'S IN THE BAG?" to which I replied "Different kinds of yogurt." and then he just turned and ran away! I did the cover art for the new Sloth 7" split with Minch, you can buy it on eBay, it totally rules. RELATED: JIM KONYA TALKIN' GARAGE SALES. Earlier I watched the skinheads vs. Geraldo video over 30 times in a row. OH GOD, DIANE ETICS, I SLAY ME. 04.30.08 HEY, WOW: Polan/Erdman Outside Art Show. EEKS, Newberry's photo website is TOTALLY RULING lately. Last weekend we endured LETHARGY ART WALK II, it was pretty good: 1 2 3 4 5. Also last week, I found $60 in some pink shorts in the back of this burned house: 1 2 3 4 5 6. My old friend Phil wrote and said, "YOU ARE IN THE MAN ON MAN MOVIE". I had to respond, "Yes, it looks like it is true". Shianne Turtle made a Derek Erdman CD. It includes Bronski Beat extended traxx. OH, THE HORRORS: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. BHS Kathleen 1 2 3 4 5 6, Polan's Harry C, Where's Your Boy At? Oh, wasn't this so funny. 04.21.08 There are so many things to love, I am so happy about it: Dog On Street / Dog On Roof, Jocelyn In Kent, Always Being Always Forever, half-bad mirror, Many Kennedys, OH OH OH, R. Jaxon. Here's a story about DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS. Breakfast, TEX, WE2, ZAP ZAP ZAP. If you like US Maple and FREE THINGS, then you will LOVE my US MAPLE t-shirt giveaway. This rather nice shirt is a size large and will be sent to the first person that writes and says, "HEY, I WANT THAT SHIRT". Really, you have to type that. HEY, CAT POWER IS WEARING MY TIE. I have a friend that had dinner with Cat Power. Cat Power asked, "Do you have a skinny tie I can borrow?" and my friend said that she did, but it was really my tie and now I don't have that tie anymore, but it's ok because I really don't wear ties. Cat Power's real name is Cathy Power, OH GOD THAT JOKE SLAYS ME. HOLY FUCK, WATCH THESE THINGS: BAD RAP BATTLE VS. BAD TOUCHING, Jeffrey Lewis tells the story of The Fall. Bob Mehr wrote the best story EVER about The Replacements in the new Spin magazine. If you are nostalgic about Kent, Ohio in the mid-1990s, here are some good videos to watch. Otherwise, have your conversations TYPED OUT BY ME! Derek
Erdman & Jim Newberry love each other: 04.17.08 OH ,THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU ABOUT! First, here are pictures from the zoo: animals, animals, animal, animals, animal. Last month I sang karaoke with the guys of Just Farr A Laugh, oh my, it was something else. Now I'm SO OBSESSED with Tommy Keene's Places That Are Gone (twice as good as Let's Active!), who was also in the room. All of those people in that room listening to me sing Young Turks! I was so glad. THERE ARE 4 DEREK ERDMANS IN THIS PICTURE. Bo Diddley never wrote a song called "Hey, L. Ron Cupboard". Jason Polan & The Pringle Woman VS. The Late Car Contest Entry. "Barely H", REBZ Is A PUNKR, Beetils & The Berwyn Car Spindle, Tricia Walsh Smith got divorced but is not from Ohio as Cruel Cruel Moon is. NOTE: THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF FOOD 1 2. Amie Barrodale is the best writer in the world, where is she now? Who put Bella in the Wych Elm? Who? Via Derrick Carter: I am on FLICKR. OWL, LAYING, SPACING, Dave Piper's silver nickel. Free music by the armload here (type quack). 04.07.08 Annette, how I loathe you. How I would love to shake rugs out onto your bed. Oh, Annette. I would so very much enjoy to tell you that I was going to pick you up from the airport and then not come, but continully say that I was "really close". ANNETTE, whose cold heartless voice greets me each time I send packages late at night from the Cardiss Collins Post Office. Your hatred of life makes you hate me and my packages. I would happily call USPS tomorrow to complain about your demeanor, but I have to put my cat to sleep, so I'm just going to send Jason Polan 50 lbs of bricks in a $8.95 USPS Flat Rate box, because it will make me feel good when I hand it to you the next time we meet. You will make an audible noise when I hand it to you because it will be so heavy. If you ask what it contains, I will answer: "justice". Later as I exited 90/94 at Damen, I noticed some signs stuck into the lawn AND THEY MADE ME SO MAD. Unfortunately, I have a lot of time on my hands. COOL GRUDGE MATCH: Slade Vs. Chickens. Oh snap, you know what I'm sayin'? 04.01.08 OK, I had to change my email address. I was obsessed with the fact that I wasn't getting emails, but I think that nobody was writing to me. Also, I bought a Parker Posey shirt on eBay and Susie Honeyman signed my Fire Engines LP. OTHERWISE: MEKONS SNACK TOUR 2008. Here are other things that exist: Georgie & The Cream, Look Lunch, Newman/Nilsson, Reilly's Endless Love, Whopper News, THEE FOURGIVEN, HOLY S, THANKS INTERNET. A few new raps here. Who is #1 in the alley? 03.24.08 I spent 6 glorious hours today putting pins into pieces of paper with people named Erin and Francis. Last night I made a giant Easter Dinner including 32 deviled eggs and Kriss Bataille stayed until the wee hours watching Urge Overkill videos on YouTube. The day before that I went through most of my house and threw most of my things away. I'm not sure what happened the day before that. I DID go to SXSW & see Sally Crewe, ate a lot of Sonic onion rings, saw some buffalo, etc. Tomorrow I'm going on tour with The Mekons. OH! I talked to Patty. She said, "DO NOT PUT ME ON YOUR WEBSITE". Oh, Patty. You so secretly love for me to mention you and how much you love that tornado picture from Atlanta. ROLL ON, BIG O. PICTURES FROM PLACES: (House Of Gardner, Cowden Ave. Memphis, TN) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 (Lockhart, TX) 1 2 (Cleveland, OH) 1 2 (Memphis TN) 1 2 3. WHOA, BOB MEHR HAS THE COOLEST STUFF AND A LOT OF DENTAL FLOSS. Derek Erdman By Jason Polan, script editor conversation, Jason Polan VS. The Girl In 2F, (MP/Lawton, OK) 1 2 3 4, ALL DAY FOOD, "The Lonliest Easter" By Jim Newberry, the only photographer, EVER. There are neat things on the internet: Bee Gees BUST UP, Liz Clayton @ 3:47, Drew Tube, Chappaqua, It's Raining McCain, HALLELUJAH. What Is REBZ up to: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9. What is better 1 Samoa or 1,089 Samoas? Oh, don't be dumb. ART SHOW
AT CHILI'S! THIS FRIDAY NIGHT! 03.10.08 OK, I will see you here and we will do shots of Rumple Minze and talk music business and give beads to colleges students and say, "HEEEYYYY": Get a
HIGH FIVE at SXSW on March 15th: 03.06.08 Rap Master Maurice "The Insane Vote For McCain" WORLD VIDEO PREMIERE. Patty voted for Hillary today, OHIO CONTINUES TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY. Wait, I don't even care about politics. EW, GROSS > NEAT. 03.05.08 Earlier today my mother left a voice mail message in a frail voice to tell me that she was going into surgery. Then she said, "I saw something very disturbing on Wikipedia about you". SHE IS SO WEIRD! I looked at Wikipedia, it said: "Derek Erdman raped me in a bad part of Ann Arbor. When he ejaculated he said "That's how Ben Gibbard does it." OH MY GOD, THAT TOTALLY RULES! Between you and I, the above statement cannot be true, I have never been to Ann Arbor. Somebody is putting wires into my mother today, I hope she is safe. I love her. FREE MONEY, Early Hoeckel, breakfast, Outer Space Jason Polan, Jason Polan's Lady On Nails. Sorry Ben Gibbard! 03.04.08 Moving to Lakewood, Ohio in 1990 was kind of magical for me. We came from the affluent city of Strongsville, but that didn't really make a difference because Patty and I were poor there. Being poor in a city with a lot money is a drag for a teen. In Lakewood it was easier to be poor because nearly all of the houses in the entire city looked the same on the outside, it was just a matter of how many apartments they were chopped into on the inside. I judged being poor on how I appeared to others, having friend's parents drop me off a block from my house so that nobody would see that I lived above a garage. Really, I did that. It seems so dumb to me now. On the last day of school in Strongsville the guidance counselor told me to "watch out for the drugs" in Lakewood. Changing schools in the middle of 10th grade was fucking agonizing. Everybody was already settled into groups of friends and the social boundries had already been drawn. In Strongsville, the punker kids were called "head-rots" because of the amount of hair spray they wore. All of the alterna-types were arty and drove Ford Escorts with Bad Religion stickers on them. Girls liked The Cure and Love & Rockets and wore black lipstick. In Lakewood the punker kids were into drugs. There were arty types, but they were kind of square, they'd listen to Billy Bragg and run Cross Country. Lakewood was right next to Cleveland so the hopeless desperation seeped right over the city line. Cleveland is waste-opolis. Any grasp for a ring of hope was considered ostentatious and the fists of a PBR drenched child abuse legacy would mash you back into place, proud to be bummed out, enthusiastically mad at stuff. The first person that I met in Lakewood was Brent Collins. I still think in many ways, Brent's the ultimate human being. Once he had sex with an artificial vagina and then hid it in his dresser drawer, letting it festered for weeks. His mother found it while we were at school, I was so lucky to walk home with him that day. Her voice was as shrill as freight train brakes, she was waving the fake genitalia in the air with a F-U-R-Y. Once in class he asked the person in front of him if they wanted to see "The Monster". Regardless of the answer, Brent climbed onto his desk, pulled down his pants, bent over, pulled his bottom apart and screamed, "ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR". Man, that's too much! Hey, here's Brent Collins now! OTHER STUFF: Rebekka F In Hungary: 1 2 3 4 5 6, Double Love Rollie Fingers, Oscar Gamble #1, Oscar Gamble #2, Joshy & 999 Beers, Garry Maddox, Mike Schmidt, Mean Joe Greene, LOLVITZ, PIGGYBACK, "... and his random zombie face", RAP MASTER GOOGLE SEARCH #8! Thanks for catching me in your internet. That's neat. 02.26.08 Oh, hi. Yes, hello. I am not engaged, I am not moving to Portland. Black Jack Ketchum, NEAT. 3 audio recordings added to The Fall page. Here's some stuff: A REVOLTING GROUP PHOTO, Cub Cadet In Color, Jack On Fire, CATS LOSE YES, NYC vs Ohio, who will win? 02.26.08 Oh, hi. Yes, hello. I am not engaged, I am not moving to Portland. Black Jack Ketchum, NEAT. 3 audio recordings added to The Fall page. Here's some stuff: A REVOLTING GROUP PHOTO, Cub Cadet In Color, Jack On Fire, CATS LOSE YES, NYC vs Ohio, who will win? GO TO
THIS MOVIE, I AM IN IT: 02.21.08 I am cleaning all of the things out of my house. I do not want most of my things. HERE I AM GIVING SOME OF THOSE THINGS TO YOU. The art show was perfectly wonderful, everybody was so happy, Paul Germanos was there, HE IS NOT A COP. Bob Mehr talked some S about a certain Brad Paisley and MAN ARE HIS FANS MAD. Bob also uncovered a new Mind Of Music video, which is an ULTIMATE BRAIN BLASTER. Mind Of Music is John Schneider & he is risen. Cardiss Collins: 26 94 384. OH G-D, EBAY BOYCOTT. Buttermaker's, Heino, Square Pegs, Kent State, J Lo & Khalo, sweater, WELKZ, raven, moon_clipse. LINEA, A Great Candy Caper, makin' records, BAGEL STARING. Oh god, goodnight.
02.11.08 Last year I found my first heartbreaking girlfriend in China. She broke my heart when I was 14. I went to China and rode a bus & rode bikes with her and now she has a tattoo of my name on her neck. This week, I got engaged to my first girlfriend in college, Chandra Wilson. Please come to the this week's art show, it is the last I will be having before I move to Portland in May. Last Thursday I was driving down Augusta Ave. late at night and was flagged down by a girl who looked to be in trouble. It turns out she was just roaringly drunk and thought my car was a taxi. I drove her to Chicago and Western where she got out of my car and stepped into a 3' deep puddle and dropped her purse into mud. I could not help that person, but I did find her on MySpace and made sure she was ok. Other things I cannot help: BI BIM BAP, Johnz, C. McCandless, violent teenagers, Bucktown Wally & Zoe Strauss. OH MY GOD, RAP MASTER MAURICE PROMO VIDEO #1. Here are things that are great: Erdman Pickle, Newberry Promo Postcard, Lee's ET Lounge, Frog/Banana, closet doors, Baby Dee video shoot piano aftermath: 1 2, PULLERZ, The Recluse, Last Summer, Contemporary Homes, Timms/Wild, Working Kids. BEST SONG EVER: TV GLOTZER (lyrics). 02.04.08 In this week's Compromised Principles Dept: Rap Master Maurice's birthday rap. At least there is still RAPPIN' JOAN. HOLY S: Sally Timms, Janet Bean & Jim Elkington played a show in my living room. It was sponsored by soda-pop. Here are other pictures: BAGZ, "Pepsi Paying Mia To Eat Sheila", Sara D eating Pepsi Pizza, "A Happy Ending", DOG 'N SACHS, "Sachs / Newberry Pet Care Co". I am currently OBSESSED with the money making prowess of Josh Kulp, his house is pretty! ALSO WILD ABOUT: Peadogeddon, the newest Forksplit, Horror Party, Lord Jim. Here is some misc stuff, mostly for my use: Melody Mill, cloth, photos: 1 2, Lady Di-i-i-i-i-i, Birthday Breakfast, More Than A Friend, OH MY GOD VIDEOS, "pay-pay", I knew this person, SNOW/NEWBS, Uni-books. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO RECEIVE A FREE IPOD NANO: 1 2. A Guip, Muy Bien Amigo, FRIDAY NIGHT BOOTLEG. You know, it just occurred to me that this thing isn't even interesting to read, I just put things on here that I might want to look at later, but then I never read it myself. I will do my best to make it more interesting, as in, I AM SO HUNGRY. Who is ILEANA RODRIGUEZ? LA RECLUTA! 01.30.08 FRIDAY MORNING BEFORE YOU GET OUT OF BED: "Rabbit Rabbit". Hot George Party Pix: Cups & Cakes, oh. Um, I don't have any party pix. Here are old pictures from NYE via Sheila: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8. Joan Hiller has new glasses and DID NOT get shot at the steak sandwich hut! She did remark that, indeed, it is a good steak sandwich, there at that place. OTHER THINKS: Alyssa Morin's "Human Body", sheets, pntgns, brkfst, via Calingaert: JUG-JUG-JUG-JUG-JUGGALO HIGH SCHOOL 1 2, Cool "Disco" Dan, "NOBODY BODDERS ME EADER". I Was There / What Is Better = Sally Timms, XXXTRA RARE. Faker/Caker, ewwww, teenz, final food party. If you are reading this party and would like to see Sally Timms, Janet Bean & Jim Elkington in my living room this weekend, let me know, I have 4 empty seats. Neat CTA Scammers: 1 2, if somebody gets all up in your face, TELL 'EM YAHHH. Oh my god, I want to die. Oh, hi! We're the Wallbrechts! We're coming to dinner! 01.22.08 GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE. HOLY F HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ CLAYTON! GREAT BIRTHDAY FRIENDS! WE WILL WIN!
01.21.08 So many things happened this week, I am laying off of the drugs! BRIAN ULRICH VS. THE RED CHAIR, Matthau VS O'Neal, Woodlouse (in my bed), DICK KELLY, I am eating on the floor, DEREK ERDMAN BIG IMPETT SKATEBOARD PANTS 1988, the LANZ, Other Impett #1 #2, from now: Lonely Sadie; from before: JUST BLAZED. If somebody has a copy of Debris' Static Disposal, I would like to have it, thanks. WE ARE GREAT FRIENDS! WHOA ALERT: Plush is playing at the Rainbo on Tuesday night, if you have the means you'd be a FOOL to miss it. 01.14.08 HEY L@@K: Recently childhood acquaintance James Corlett USNR recently wrote to me and asked, "remember all of times that you got beat up?" Whoa. I got beat up A LOT as a teen. Wait, only twice. The best time was in 1990. You see, 2 years earlier I was dating Ericka Stadnick. In fact, she's the first person that I, uh, did it with. A fickle few months later we were simply friends. We were talking on the telephone one day and she said she had to get off because Eric Becker was on the other line. I was listening to Daniel Johnston at that moment, the song Don't Play Cards With Satan. As I vaguely knew Eric I told Ericka, "tell Eric I said don't play cards with Satan, he'll deal you an awful hand". 2 years later I was singing a GG Allin song (!) in a band called One Beat Off on July 4th. I had just burned an American Flag AND ERIC BECKER CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. As I lay on the ground catching more of his fists with my face he leaned close and said, "Who's playing cards with Satan now, huh?" OH MY GOD, ERIC BECKER IS ON MYSPACE. Here are some other things: PUTNEY SWOPE IN A HALLWAY, hey, this guy sent me a coffee cup in the mail. Who is the father? IRAQ! I am drinking coffee, I am so happy about it. This is not my food, it's Polan's. More buttons: ADLAI, Familiar Brigade, G Committee, LIPINSKI, #72. Rejected flyers: #1 #2. A fruit, Hillary's Halloween 1992, WHEE Woodrupt, WHEE, "naked with laser discs", CUT IT UP/OFF, ew those people, WHERE IS IT?, TF Car, DK, OK. 01.07.08 There was a New Year's Eve party in my kitchen, living room, office, basement and on the roof. Here is the flyer for it, Sheila, Nick & Thomos took the digi-pix. I like to have parties, A LOT. People often ask me if I'm having fun at my parties because it looks like I'm not. It's hard to tell because I party on the inside. I buy pickles and hot dogs and 90 beers and drink sparkling wine and worry about my belongings and imagine people peeing all over my bathroom and think about cleaning up and then I'll look at somebody I don't know and smile and say, "THIS IS MY HOUSE!" and then they'll thank me and then I am glad. Here are some thingz: GIANT CHOPPER STEPE, Malvo/Muhammad, Sally Crewe's Cat In The Fridge, USA WAR ON FOOD, FF From Joan Hiller, FOYF, 50 Dirhams (x2), HI! HEY! WHOA!, In Germany, You're So Fun, Josh Todd, Title Fight Of The Week: Little Mac vs. Cassius Clay, Sally Crewe's Cat Off To Work, YOU DOWN WITH OBB?, Piggott/Ivor, Jacko Red Scare. This week I'll be re-doing the Paintings For Sale section of this website, this will include the dramatic price increase according to Aram Shumavon. I trust him, you can too. Things you can also trust: internet grief blog posts, John Hinckley Jr. THINGS THAT YOU WILL LIKE IF YOU LOVE THE OTHER THING: Tina Turner's theme song to Beyond Thunderdome, JAN TERRI, Danzig #1 #2 #3, Gary Coleman. People who were nice enough to allow me to listen to their music will find that I've reviewed it HERE. Mom, even though you sent me that old phoney chain email stating that Barack Obama is a Muslim out to ruin America, you'll be proud to know that the GRUNGE PANDA I made is on the Sub Pop website! Now pull yourself out of that suicidal slump, start a successful internet astrology business and take me to Cancun, THAT WOULD RULE. If you ever wondered what people write to me, here's a complete list of all of my email (& eBay) passwords. HOLY S, THIS WEBSITE OF OLD PUNKER FANZINES IS TOTALLY GREAT. THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE I WILL LINK MY RE-CAP OF THE YEAR 2007 WHEN I WRITE IT.
12.23.07 You know, when I think about the internet, I think a lot about Liz Clayton, because in many ways, to me at least, she invented the internet. THAT'S A RUN ON SENTENCE. I often think about having to write in this place, and then people say, "OH, HEY, YOU SHOULD UPDATE YOUR WEBSITE MORE OFTEN" but I'm too busy laying in bed trying to sleep 20 hours a day. But Liz Clayton, she was always like, "GOD, I really hate when people write on their websites that they don't really want to write on their websites", so when I feel that way, I ignore it like a plague. I just want to lay there on pillows and eat chocolate and watch UNITED FLIGHT 93 and some other movies. I know there is a super-feud (neat) between Gerard C. and Jessica H. involving some sports and some name calling, though these people seem nice enough to me. Jessica came to my birthday party and wrote about the ULTRA TEENZ (which I could only aspire to be when I was that age, including whatever THIS might be) and me making the grilled cheese sandwiches, though this website is HA HA, and then there are these other things: GRAGZ photo, Too Much Too Soon, Melissa Albert color picks, IRON S, "up in it", A Cat on Some Boxes, SKL gore snap, and innernet linx: MIND OF MUSIC GONE MAD, NOI: #1 #2, Basement Rulerz, Friday Club Promo, Some Cigar KINGZ. I have had the best year of my life and would like for you to celebrate it on NYE, if you would like to come. QUOTE OF YEAR: "Derek, there is a tampon rolling around in the aisles of the bus. It is unopened, but nobody will pick it up because it is designed to go in butts so it is just rolling around, back and forth." Joan Hiller 2007 12.14.07 Jim Newberry and I had a birthday party, man so many people came! A lot of them ate grilled cheese sandwiches, I cooked them. Laura Kopen drove all the way to Michigan and bought a bunch of Bell's beer and brought it, people drank that and Old Style and $2 bottles of wine. People brought all sorts of gifts and everybody was really nice until later when other people came and didn't know it was a birthday party, they just wanted to eat my gummy bears, etc. I was like, "NO, DON'T". May I talk about mayonnaise? I like it so much, and things that require mayonnaise, but my problem is the bottle it seems to now come in. When I was tiny it just came in jars but now everything has to be squeezed, why? I really don't like the way that it splatters when it first comes out. I also don't like when mustard is watery or when chocolate is old and light brown and dusty. Everything else though, I like just fine! If you do not live in Chicago, I will tell you about the weather here: it is cold. My phone didn't work for the last two days, so I also didn't have a lot of internet. It seemed to work for 20 seconds every three minutes so I would have to wait and then send messages. The telephone person came later, his name was Eithyel Roundtree. I didn't ask him how that is pronounced, I would guess it is something like EEETH-YEL. Am I wrong about this? He was nice, I gave him ginger ale in the laundry room (this is not a euphemism). OH I FORGOT TO MENTION: I am moving out of my house at the end of January 2008. I am only telling the internet because I thought you (the internet) might want to move in, it is such a nice house. Plus, it would be good if somebody I knew moved in so I could come and visit at times and look at the things that I changed about it and say, "HEY I DID THAT", and then I would marvel at the rent increase price, etc. OH GOD I am not really moving out of my house, but YEESH my first gas bill of the winter was $394.70. If I would have just been cold for that month I could have afforded 132 boxes of Le Petit Ecolier Cookies from Jewel (I just did the math plus tax on a calculator!) or a rather nice week with a rather icky prostitute. I am eating chips now, they are tasty and salty. I just ate a turkey sandwich, it was made by Sara Lee, she is a giant food company based in Downers Grove, IL. Man, that's the absolute best name for a city, because it's just like a bunch of dudes in worn denim reclining on a grassy hill just looking around going, "HEYYYYY". Later they eat ice cream, I like Chunky Monkey (because I like banana ice cream). OK, HERE'S THE THING, I am pioneering a new, new sleep schedule. It's called 36/12 deluxe. It's different from standard 36/12 (which, if you recall, means that you stay up for 36 hours and then sleep for 12) because now you don't have to keep doing it, you can change the schedule the next day if you want. Also, you can nap, in fact, it's encouraged! But, to say that you're on 36/12 deluxe, you have to do it at least once a week and it can't be Sunday because Monday is the start of the new week and you wouldn't really have any idea which week you started in. Some other things happened in the last 10 days: I ate steak, texted, spent $174.88 at the post office. Look, I am just like, "I SPENT SO MUCH MONEY" all of the time now, it's what I do. I am proud of myself. Sara Lee's new slogan is "The Joy Of Eating", I agree. The name Sara Lee came from early owner Charles Lubin's daughter. If I have a daughter and name a food company after her, I will call it Colette Dolores and it's best selling product will "old style" mayonnaise in a jar. I have a question, what is important in life? Is it happiness? How important is happiness? Here are other things for thinking: A. GRAGZ Birthday Party Pictures: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13, I get emails, sometimes they say THIS, Natal Chart courtesy Amy L, some food, Sara Kaye Storms Mexico, I GOT YOUR LETTER, Peller, command, yottabyte, that's what they are for. There is good music here. Here is a good Christmas song. HEY LOOK! My birthday is on December 6th. You can send gifts. Things I like are: AA batteries, candy, Winsor & Newton (Galeria Round S) paint brushes, chocolate, gift certificates, cookies, funny hats, high thread count sheets, flowers & blank DVDs & CDs. OK THANKS! Newberry/Erdman
Birthday Rager: Saturday December 8th: 12.03.07 Things that happened for a reason: Blood/Bachrach, Presidential Guarantee , GHOSTZ, "cheese please", Mittendorf/Burg, Good Denial, brace yourself, Tiffany Morris (3). On a recent trip to CT I took a bunch of McDonald's french fry clings from windows at rest stops, now I don't want them anymore. If you want one, let me know. OTHER FREE THINGS: Ronettes, Crystals. Via Carolyn Getson: Terminal Tower On Fire, via Caitlin Spies: Can You Fly / Some Comatose Apples. My ghoul cousin chatted me hostile, last week, I COULD JUST SCREAM! Would you like to know what's great? FREE DRAWINGS FROM JASON POLAN ARE GREAT. The video for Plush's Take A Chance has been released, OH WOW. See those ovals on the wall at :58? I made those. 11.27.07 Ok, I don't have the pictures to prove it, but I met Lisa Suckdog at The Peninsula hotel for brunch. I was wearing scrubby clothes and people were giving me the Pretty Woman look and her expensive boyfriend paid for the whole lot and I dined on gold encrusted eggs. I was so nervous that I made a bad impression and had to go back to Erin's house and go to sleep for the rest of the day. OTHER THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN NEW YORK CITY: training, dog & coat, Erin & S5, M. Gira having a walk-by, dog & people, art bathroom, dog bathing, heavy hanging. Then we drove the $999 NYC rental car to Providence, Rhode Island where we ate the turkeys, lobsters & saw the dead people place, HERE IT IS, LOOK: Doll Pictures 1 2 3, manufactured excitement, DUDEZ. The "dead people place" is The Station in Warwick, RI. I demanded to go there. WE WENT! You can see a MUY FASCINATING video about it here. Here are pictures that I took: 1 2 3 4 5. Here are some other things: 1 10 100 1000 10000 Winstons = 11111 Winstons, 30 25 35, REALLY TRUE, double DP, Frances Farmer: There's No Way Back Home, FF earlier, REAL TROUBLED: 1 2, the good CD pyramid, ORTOLET, pert-private calling, TTOPS, WIN STAMP. I don't know what an "artist note" is, but it looks NEAT! Stop wondering what I do all day long, mingering, TEENZ TALKIN, TBDC WEBNET, cool. TOTALLY SERIOUS: Do you find yourself needing to call China but not having any money? USE THESE PHONE CARDS, I NO LONGER NEED THEM. Newbz & I are having a birthday party on December 8th, you can come if you want, maybe. 11.26.07 Oh Erin Hosier, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Sorry for not updating my internet website. Good things in life, I think, are tense and creepy and appalling. I think about food all of the time. 11.15.07 Well, so busy! So many things do to! So self important! Last night I had a well deserved paella freak-out, if you saw it you would have said, OH GREAT. A quick glance at IPC (Internet Poetry Corner) reveals a spotlight on Uniontown / Kent State's Chandra Wilson and her riveting work from 1993: 1 2 3 4. Also there are these pictures: "DO IT", "GREAT MESS", "TPM", "As a window cleaner, forget it. Put soybeans in it and market it as a soft drink in the ghetto. We'll put a picture of a rhythm and blues singer on the front and call it Victrola Cola.", "I Love You Like This", "They Will Try", "Important OK Twins". COMPU-BATTLE: Joan Hiller Dot Com vs. joanhiller.com. I am going to miss the dog Sadie. I can spin the dog, I will not take a dog, it's mean. HEY, ME AND PATTY AND THE FOREST FOR THE TREES! Later, there was soup, George, Rebekka, Old Peace Party & YOU SINGING WORD UP. Magikist was a U.S.-based rug cleaner manufacturer. CREEP VS. CREEPZ VS. CREPES. OFFICIALLY REALLY DOING IT: Hannah Woodroofe. H. Dean Hudson Jr.'s telephone number can be found here. Congratulations! I have been chosen as #1 USA Progeria illustrator! I am having a pizza party of the heart. Free for a short time: Trouble's first record from 1984. Via Polan: free fruit, Jurken: HUH, Hosier: HUH 2. Things are great, I am winning, thanks for reading my website. 11.13.07 HI! HELLO! The Emma Goldman drawing has been claimed. I will write more later, look, #1 FAN LETTER EVER. I am tired and am going to sleep. It is 10:15pm, I am an old person now. 11.08.07 NOTICE: FREE REVERSE EMMA GOLDMAN. 11.05.07 Oh my G-D. So much has happened that I have to tell you about it: there was a Fall Night at Danny's, it was the best one, I didn't take pictures or remember it. The abbreviated set list is even like: WHOA. Regarding The Mighty Fall, if you needed another reason to think that Ian Svenonius is a puddling dolt, here you are. Hey, he's also "a vegan"! OH FUCK EXCUSES: 1 2 3 5 7 8. 11/02 Art Show highlights: clock, boat, cap, crit, bear, oi, wow, whoa, penguin. FINALLY THE FINISH LINE: Jason Polan Bus Double, Abridged Those Turtles, MAD OK SUGAR KID, Old Moe Tucker X-Mas Post Card, All Aboard The SS Repair, Erin F Yorick Skull Brain Mash, Less Van Houten, High School Meeting Note (Demand), Tower Twinz, CRMNLS & TREATZ. I have to pee but I'm holding it. Some
Paintings @ Foursided in Chicago
In November: 10.29.07 It is official, Kitty Keatsie's claws have grown so long that they're growing back into her foot. She clomps around in agony and when I try to help her she attacks my hands. I cannot help this cat, please call the cat-catcher. A Different Conversation: Double Cindy Williams, an immediate bout with insecurity. I am wild about my prison penpal, she is pretty enough. Ok, here are some other things before I go and lay in bed and watch a movie called Airheads: "Who Is The Boss", "What Kind Of Snacks?", "Let Me Tell You About White Women", "JUST NUTZ". From Jason Polan: A Life Sized Wes Anderson. Not from Jason Polan: Good War Debate, People: Every Now And Again, People: Always, CELL-PHONE HOME. WOW, I got so good at Photoshop! 10.22.07 Surprised by looking through old folders to find old files of the computer variety: "A Lot Of Chico", "Chico & Hannah", "Hannah & Walter". George battles her brain and nature, there were no mistakes! There are ants all of the place where I am sitting, sometimes they are on my arms, also: "A Good Start", "Bagels", "Two Portions", "Old Wendy's". I would be telling you a thing or 7: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7, but everyone makes mistakes. Observe Lumpkin & McCants, "Indeed In Deep", walking, food, internal eternal life. Memo from Turner DDS: I have cavities. Update: If you were a teenaged punker in the 1980s: HOLY SHIT, LAUGH RIOT ALERT. 10.17.07 INTO THE FUTURE OHIO: (Youngstown) "Buildings Crash'd", "A Store For Children, Only 5 At A Time", "Hannah Woodroofe's Clean Break", GRUDGE MATCH: "Knitters" vs. "No Sweat!". Of course there's a leftover building, another building, SKY BRAINWASH MIST. INTO THE PAST OHIO: (Kent) "Snooping", "Trees & Mom". I am glad to announce that I am finally ready for winter, though Ruben Mendez called to say it is late. BREAKING NEWS: Mike Sturgess is Mike Lyons as Kevin Shapiro aka "Julia" in "The Secret Reader Anonymous Commenter Saga". Thumbs up say top critics! OH MY. Four
Hours Of The Fall @ Danny's 10/30: 10.12.07 Seattle: OH RAINY CITY, WITH THE GRUNGE N' STUFF. I went there and just to let you know, Safeway is the same as Dominick's & QFC has really expensive groceries! Seattle's Jay's potato chips are called Tim's, people say "thank you" to the bus driver upon exit, it is always misting, do not eat at Philadelphia Fevre, and a guy tried to eat 11 hot dogs to get a painting called "Drugs" for free. I stayed in the apartment building featured in the SMASH movie Singles, Lacey Swain looked at her snot, melded, got forlorn & has a cat called LARRY: 1 2. Also LARRY 1 2. Lacey loves Ruben, Joanie loves Chachi & Ben, Ruben got pulled over for reckless booze driving and mind-crimed his way out of it! HE IS MAGIK! Ruben & I played 7 hours of The Fall, it looked like this: 1 2 3 4. Pete-za Party took pictures, I sold some paintings, JEN GRAVES DID NOT COME BUT WROTE. A great Joan Hiller has a great turtle, makes great paintings, is the reigning queen of the non-douche hours at WING DOME, all hail, wassssup. Special thanks to Rebekka, Avani, Lincoln. People often ask me my secret and here it is: I've been wearing women's deodorant for the last 3 years. UPDATE: Look quick, this person is crazy. Though not crazy like TWINS. IN YOUR FACE OTHER ERDMANS, I am #3. There are no more buttons for free, stop asking. OTHER UPDATE: Whoa, I met Henry Owings, HE RULES. DEREK ERDMAN ON WFMU LISTENER HOUR featuring interviews with filmmaker Amy Cargill & Liam Hayes from Plush. I haven't heard it yet, but I'm sure I sound like an ultra-dork. 10.01.07 FREE THINGS: Thanks to the wonderful people at Busy Beaver, I have buttons. They are of me! If you would be at all interested in having some of them, email me a haiku and I will send them to you in the mail for free. WHOA, BEST SATURDAY EVER: Love Of Everything, Sloth, a smoke bomb & Jamie Drier Presents Hannah Woodroofe & Kriss Bataille In: "A WICKER PARK HAIRCUT" photographed by the inventor of photography, Jim Newberry. Ok, listen: I have to get on a plane in 3 hours, so here's some other stuff: The Chicago Reader Is Dead, Lacey Swain & Her Parents, Beth Hoeckel's Hot Gospel, Joan's Food 1 2 3, a gun, WE DID IT, Brian Turner's Kathy Mcginty WFMU Station ID, some neat tiles. To tell you the exact truth, I just sit around thinking about the Mariel Boatlift all day long. That and holding these pants, Hosier. 09.24.07 WHOA, SLOTH, NEXT SATURDAY. Sloth is the best band to ever come out of Ohio, they are playing in my garage with Bobby Burg's Love Of Everything and another band that will be good. It is $5, flyer below. WHOA, ERIN HOSIER, NEXT FRIDAY. Erin Hosier is the best person to ever come out of Ohio, she will be eating steaks and drinking wine and meeting people that are VERY IMPORTANT for her to meet. Erin Hosier & Sloth, AT MY HOUSE! THERE WAS A PARTY HERE! I took all of the drugs and drank all of the booze, so I really don't remember it: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. From Calingaert: The Italian Dead Animal's Head Scooter & Sidecar Vocal Group. I drew at Taco Bell and all I got was this lousy Taco Bell Drawing Club Membership Card. Tim Cook sent in "Erdmans At The Office" but not "Erdman For The People". LISTEN, GRAVE NEWS: Patty Preston-Erdman is stuck in England. She is not happy there! There is no TV, no 999 cable channels, she misses AMERICA! Patty is an ultra-patriot. She's important to our country, she's the ambassador of parrots and fish. BRING HER HOME, TROOPS! New paintings: Gone With It (For Erin Hosier), James Garner, Not A Problem Charge It, Nurse & Fetus, Renegade Craft Fair, Rue Mcclanahan, Strawberries & French Fries, Tay Zonday With Sonny Rainclouds, Zebra #25. OH NO. If you lived in Kent, Ohio from 1993-2000 and shopped at Heartbeat Records, you'll be so pleased to know that you can NOW DOWNLOAD the entire Chuck Rutzen's Dad's Handwriting Fan Club Zine & Soundtrack RIGHT HERE. If you just want to look at a picture of Chuck Rutzen smiling with a pocket full of yankee dollars, simply click here. While all of this was going on, of course my father decided to write me after not talking for 23 years. He sent me a YouTube video series that he's been working on called Cigars & Balloons Are Fun. He wants me to help him with promotion. I am going to help him with this type of promotion. JOAN HILLER: KITTY KEATSIE IS NOT DEAD. L@@K: Beth Hoeckel now has an internet thingy.
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